The Eighth Page

Soccer Practice From Hell

Coach: (The old washed-up coach wearing a leather jacked and ripped pants, as he pulls out a new cigarette to replace the half finished one in his mouth) Hey kids! I really think we can have a real swell time this year, especially if I can figure out how this coach’s manual to success works. Clearly un-athletic kid who attempts to seem into soccer: You guys check out the Man U game last night? That Rooney guy is pretty great. Cocky jerk freshman: Shut up dude. We all know you bought that jersey ‘cause the receipt is still on the back… What a noob hahaha! Coach: (as he knocks the ashes from his cigarette onto one of the small freshman’s cleat) So why don’t we all do this drill they call the weave, or maybe some jumping jacks… I don’t know? What do you guys want to do? Overweight goalie: Hey coach, about those two laps: are we going to have to do those everyday? Coach: Yeah that can be a one time thing, I probably won’t be coming to that many of these things. Overweight goalie: You mean practices? Coach: Yeah that’s what I meant. Overweight goalie: Hey… so is there a snack or maybe some orange slices involved in practice? Cause if there isn’t, that’s something we should think about… I’m just spitballin’ here. Small freshman: Are we going to play any soccer? Coach: Yeah probably later, why don’t we just call it a day. You guys deserve a break! Small freshman: But it’s the first practice and we’ve only been here for 10 minutes… Coach: Hey! Don’t be a pansy! Now go hit the showers! -Ricky Goldstein