The Eighth Page

Wait List Woes

It is on the minds of every Senior that just didn’t quite make it: wait list letters. What do you say to a school that has left you on the side of the road and said, “Well, we might come pick you up, but don’t count on it.” Obviously it wouldn’t be wise to say how you actually feel, because it may contain explicit content. I have taken it upon myself to translate what students write to these schools into what they are actually thinking. “I would like to extend to you my deepest gratitude for a spot on the wait list at [college], and I would be honored to remain under consideration for admission.” “Thanks for not denying me, although you basically did.” “I am elated even to be considered for admission at such a wonderful institution.” “Your school couldn’t even sufficiently file the bunions from my pinky toe.” “I am so attracted to [college] for its diverse student body, vast array of academic offerings and its caring faculty.” “I am so attracted to [college] because my boy from home goes here, and he says you guys had Kid Cudi at your Spring Carnival last year.” “I am filled with intense pride that my hard work and dedication have enabled me to reach this point in the admissions process.” “This sucks. As do you.” “Although I was not guaranteed admission, I can assure you wholeheartedly that [college] remains my top choice amongst my prospective colleges.” “Although I was not guaranteed admission, I can assure you wholeheartedly that I was waitlisted at better schools, and I’m just writing this letter to you because I have extra stamps in my desk.” “If there is anything I can do to increase my chances of admission by submitting supplementary materials like graded schoolwork or further faculty recommendations, please let me know.” “I just folded your waitlist letter into an origami middle finger. And it’s flipping you off.” “Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you.” “Go die.” -B.J. Garry