The Eighth Page

Tenni-Golf Masters Welcomes Tiger Woods

The 32nd annual Tenni-Golf Masters are approaching, and this year’s competition is shaping up to be a dandy. The classic competitors have entered such as Ty Webb, from “Caddyshack,” and Chubbs Peterson, Adam Sandler’s Coach from “Happy Gilmore.” However, this year another star may be looking to upset the two former champions, Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods has dealt with marital issues and won’t return to golf until The Masters. But, he is looking to warm up by playing on the Tenni-Golf Tour. When asked about Woods, Ty Webb replied, “I don’t honestly think it is that big a deal. He got around. In fact, I think we should congratulate him if anything. It’s hard to be unfaithful with a wife that hot!!” Clearly, Webb does not have a problem with Woods’s extra-marital actions. However, Chubbs has a completely different view on things. When asked the same question, he replied, “I can’t believe that jerk. Elin is a wonderful lady, and I would give my hand to have her.” The Tenni-Golf Masters is being played in an unusual venue for the 32nd year in a row, as the typical course of western Alaska is currently covered in snow. This year, the event is being held on the Phillips Academy Great Lawn. As usual, no spectators will be allowed, and only three news reporters will be allowed to work the event, one radio, one print and one television. However, similarly to the past eight years, no reports will be allowed until the event is completely finished. Another conflict is stirring around Tiger, concerning the caddying system. According to the Tenni-Golf rule book, only one club is allowed to be carried and no caddies may be used, but Woods is asking for Steve Williams to caddy for him at the event with a full bag. Other players are angry about this, and are accusing Woods of ruining the sport. One angered fan threatened to break everything but a pitching wedge, the worst club for Tenni-Golf; the police are looking into it. The usual bracket mayhem has begun, but the late entry from Woods significantly changes bracket strategy. ESPN analysts are now having six shows a day only about different upset possibilities. One analyst said, “The bracket possibilities are endless, especially with Tiger in a 16 seed matching up against one seed Ty. I am literally shakin’ in my shoes for this year’s Tenni-Golf Masters.” Now that the Tenni-Golf Masters is a mere day away, fans have already lined up in downtown Andover to be the first to see the winner put on the prestigious yellow pants. Every year this time is filled with faithful PTGA Tour fans, but this year fans of both the PTGA and the PGA mix, to form a fan base significantly larger than the past. The excitement is growing here in Andover, and the weather is looking to be fantastic. This year’s Tenni-Golf Masters is shaping up to be the best since ’86 when Chubbs Peterson won his first pair of yellow pants in comeback fashion.