The Eighth Page

An Eventful DC Hearing

Cluster Dean: Hey, Bill. We can get started in a second. We’re just having a quick chat right now. Bill: Yeah, take your time. It’s not like Lost is on in a few minutes or anything… Can I take a cut or use personal time? I know it’s not within the 24 hour mark, but please? Dean: This is not a class: it is a meeting between you and I, the student reps, and the faculty to decide your future. Bill: Yeah, good to know the guy who got elected DC rep because he roused the crowd by doing the Macarena instead of giving a speech gets to have a say in this. Dean: We’ll be right with you. Five Minutes Later Dean: Come on in. This is Bill Ding. Bill, I believe you know Mr. Ruggles, the faculty representative and of course, your house counselor, Mr. Bates. Bill: Is Mr. Ruggles the one who tried to bring his anatomy class on a field trip to that strip club? Dean: What!? Mr. Ruggles: I’ve always thought learning comes best in the form of observation. Bill: Nevermind, where is my DC rep? Brett: Yo! Marco Brolo, my man! Sorry I’m late but that Frisbee wasn’t gonna catch itself. Fist bumps everyone. Dean: Can we please begin? Brett: Just let me finish tweeting about this. Dean: This is a closed meeting! Brett: Don’t worry it’s not about the meeting, just about being in the same room with Dean Andrea “Rough Rider” Renaldo. Dean: I’m going to ignore that, although I am quite flattered. Let’s begin. Bill, you were caught entering the car of someone who is not a member of Phillips Academy. We’ve all read your statement but is there anything else you would like us to know? Bill: Yes, and for that I’ve brought my Lawyer Harvey Jackson. Harvey, you can come in now! Dean: This is very unnecessary; there is no need for… Harvey: May I have the floor without any interruptions? Dean: I wasn’t trying to… Harvey: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen of the Disciplinary Committee; my client, Bill Ding, is being falsely accused of this crime. All of the evidence is circumstantial and in no way proves that he committed this crime. I may be a personal injury lawyer, but my legal prowess is well known to all… those who ride in the first two rows of bus 36 from Jamaica Plain to Mattapan. That is, assuming the flyer I put there hasn’t been graffitied yet. Dean: Care to elaborate? Harvey: Well, the kids like to do it, they think it’s cool and… Dean: Not about the graffiti! About Bill. Harvey: Ah yes. Last Saturday, Bill was not even on campus, as is shown by this security photo at J.C. Penny of him with his back turned putting socks in his coat pocket. Brett: To Bill Wasn’t that the night you went to the park for that “business transaction?” Bill: Shut up and I’ll give you $100 dollars and some special balloons. Dean: Well, frankly, this evidence might be worse than his previously accused rule violate…. Harvey: Hey? No babble. Furthermore, the woman whose car he supposedly entered, Candy, has confirmed that while Bill is a frequent customer, she was with her boss Big Daddy at the time. Brett: She’s good. My entire ultimate team got a freakin’ awesome deal for her when we won the championship. Bill: Last time, after I fell asleep, she even watered my Herbal garden for me and didn’t try to steal any! Dean: What kind of herbs are we talking about here!? Brett: Oregano that makes you laugh like cartoons. Harvey: Brett, let me take care of this. Here, play with this hacky sack. Brett. Word! Harvey: Finally, I think it should be clear to all those present that my client is a good guy. He has not thrown the first punch in any of his recent fights nor did he allow the fire he started with his “Chemistry set” to spread past the common room doors. Dean: I am absolutely appalled. Harvey: Oh I almost forgot, here are some of my business cards… Well, post-it notes with contact information for all of you. If you ever need the best legal education Bunker Hill Community College has to offer, just remember to call 1-800-HARV-DOG. Dean: In light of all the new evidence, I think it is the committee’s only option to expel Bill on the grounds of… Mr. Ruggles: Wait! The Dean of Students just texted me saying to keep Bill: no censure or anything. Dean: Why on earth!? Bill: I have no idea. It’s not like the ten thousand dollars added to his bank account would alter his ability to make a ruling on my case. Let’s get out of here Harv Dog. Call Candy to celebrate! Brett: Word! I’ll get my skateboard!