The Eighth Page

A Student-Teacher Conference . . . The Funny Kind

Mrs. Caulderhill: Hello little Jonathan. What are you drawing today? Jonathan: It’s you! Mrs. Caulderhill: Oh, isn’t that sweet. Am I supposed to be swimming with dolphins? Jonathan: Actually, it’s you in shark-infested waters. Can’t you see the razor sharp teeth made for ripping and tearing apart human flesh? I even drew them facing inwards so it would be harder for you to pull yourself away from their deathly grip! Mrs. Caulderhill: My…that certainly is… imaginative. Jonathan: Yeah. I imagine things with you all the time. I actually have a collection. I call this one, “The Wrong Alleyway in the Wrong Part of Detroit.” And this one is, “Mrs. Caulderhill Goes on a Walk in Hostile Bosnia.” Mrs. Caulderhill: Wow. You really don’t spare any details, do you? Anyway, I would like to talk to you about your decision to bring in your goat for show-and-tell. I find it strange that you brought in a goat on the same day we found a wheel of Gouda hidden deep in our school’s ventilation system. Being that the cheese was that of a goat, and you are completely covered in dust, I am led to believe that you climbed into the vents and placed it there. Jonathan: Sorry Mrs. Big Nose, I wasn’t listening to what you were saying. Mrs. Caulderhill: Jonathan, you must stop calling me Mrs. Big Nose. My name is Mrs. Caulderhill. Jonathan: Whatever you say Mrs. Huge Nose. Mrs. Caulderhill: Arrgh. Anyway, Ernie, one of our janitors, had to climb through the air ducts to get it out, and he has pretty bad arthritis so he- Jonathan: Is that the guy that cleans up the crushed graham crackers I purposely leave all over the place? He always makes such funny noises and faces when I grind them into the carpet with my shoes. He’s hysterical. I always point at him and laugh when I do it. Mrs. Caulderhill: Jonathan! That is a terrible thing to do. I’m going to have to tell Principal Buford. Jonathan: Oh, is that the bald guy you always visit with in the art room during recess? You always lock the door so I had to smash through one of the windows to see what you guys are doing. I saw some things we aren’t supposed to learn about until 5th grade. Mrs. Caulderhill: We were doing… yoga. I don’t know what you think you saw. Those were private… yoga lessons. Nobody should have seen them. Jonathan: Well, that’s unfortunate. I wish I had known that earlier because I took the liberty of telling Mrs. Buford about your “yoga lessons” when she caught me smashing their mailbox over the weekend. I only told her to distract her so she would forget to call my parents. It worked pretty well. She mentioned something about you going on unemployment or something. I don’t really understand what that means but you might. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to tease Peggy about her parents’ divorce and her dyslexia. I haven’t made her cry in over a week, so it is pretty long overdue. See ya Mrs. Huge Nose! -Colton Dempsey