The Eighth Page

AP Advice For Next Year

Pat and Kenny are AP experts. Between them, they have five fives, zero fours, zero threes, zero twos, zero ones, and zero zeros. Kenny has taken five APs. Pat has taken none. Once, however, Pat watched someone take an AP. He said it was really boring. Kenny would have to concur. The only AP that Kenny has taken that was not boring was AP Psychology. In the middle of the test, a kid next to him started bleeding from the nose and had a seizure. Kenny had to take seventeen minutes to staunch the bleeding and perform CPR on him until the EMT arrived. There was blood everywhere. He still got a five. True story. Not a boring AP. Once, Pat had a nosebleed. It stopped several minutes later. Once, Pat and Kenny spent several minutes trying to come up with funny things AP could stand for. It didn’t work. They came up with two: Apple Pie, and Advanced Placement. I think you can figure out who thought of which. Once, Kenny got an award for being an “AP Scholar with Distinction.” Pat is distinctive, but he never got an award for it. Now that Pat and Kenny’s credentials are clear, they would like to offer some advice to anyone taking the APs this week. Pat: “Don’t take them.” Kenny: “Do take them.” Pat: “Don’t take them and you will get into all the colleges you apply to.” Kenny: “Do take them and… apply to more than one college before you brag about your perfect acceptance percentage. It makes the number a whole lot more impressive.” Pat: “If you are going to take them, which I strongly discourage, bring a snack, turn off your cell phone, wear a diaper, and answer as many questions as humanly possible. Also, don’t bring your dog.” Kenny: “If you are going to take them, and you’re a hot female, come to Bishop afterwards to relieve some stress.” A mutual suggestion would be to make a large withdrawal from your bank account, probably for around fifty ducats. You’re going to want to slide that into the test booklet after you have tried your hardest. Remember, your education is an investment. In the end, you should probably take the APs. You have nothing to lose. Not only are they quick, but most Ivy League institutions accept them, and they are free. Most of the people whining about having to take the APs right now are Uppers. Pat and Kenny are experts on being Uppers. Between them, they have one year of experience. This includes three fives, nine fours, two threes, zero twos, zero ones, and zero zeroes. Pat was enrolled in this school last year. Kenny was not. Now that Pat and Kenny’s credentials are clear, they would like to offer some advice to all Uppers. Pat: “If you’re going to be an Upper, make sure you become a Senior. It’s way more fun and relatively easy to accomplish.” Kenny: “Although the eleventh grade is above the ninth and tenth grades, it is still below the twelfth grade. Keep that in mind or I’ll beat you up”* *If you are under 5’7, it will be Kenny that will be doing the beating. Over that, and you will have to contend with Pat. -Pat Maher and Kenny F. Gould