Kathy Eckhardt, a self-described “grammar Nazi,” was taken into custody last Wednesday on charges of being an actual Nazi. Eckhardt was later released after providing substantial proof that her ties to Nazism were limited to just grammar. Eckhardt, a teaching fellow in English, was apprehended in her home Wednesday afternoon and brutally beaten by three PAPS officers with bats. After detaining the suspect, the officers then proceeded to search her apartment for Nazi paraphernalia. To their disbelief, the only items recovered were a pack of red pens, a pair of bifocal lenses and a pocket grammar stylebook. Sources say that students in Eckhardt’s class tipped off the officers after receiving 3’s on their essays. “She’s a total Nazi,” said one Senior. “Just look at this page she edited! I’m pretty sure there’s more red ink on this paper than black. If that doesn’t scream Nazi, then I don’t know what does.” While her teaching style may come off to some as extreme, radical even, the question of her affiliation with the German Nazi Party is not something to be taken lightly. “I’ve got nothing against those of the Jewish faith,” said Eckhardt in an official statement released Thursday. “What I do hate, though, is when people insist on inserting comma splices in places where a semicolon or conjunction would easily suffice. The worst part is that they don’t even realize that they’re doing it. ” Notorious throughout the English department for having a strict “no misplaced modifier” policy, Eckhardt is a grammar Nazi by her own admittance. “Grammar is the most important aspect of our insignificant lives,” said Eckhardt. “If only we could create a master race where everyone used perfect grammar instead of slipping unnecessary ‘ums’ and ‘likes’ into casual conversation—oh, what a wonderful world that would be.”
