Club Member #1: Ahhh! Woo! Come check out our club! Woo! Me: Hi, what’s this club? Club Member #1: Woo! This is the music appreciation club! Me: Oh, cool! I like music. Club Member #1: Then sign this sheet! Woo! (Does fist pump) Boo yah! Me: But, ummm, what does this club do, specifically? Club Member #1: Do? What do we do!? We appreciate music! Holla, holla! (pounds chest with hand in the form of a peace sign) Me: Right, of course. Club Member #1: Woo! Sign up, motha effa! Me: Hi there, what club is this? Club Member #2: This is the energy awareness and eco-justice club. Me: Neat! I’m all for proper energy use and helping the environment. Club Member #2: Is that why you have an iPod in your pocket? You think electronic devices don’t use energy? Me: Um, no. I didn’t say that, I just – Club Member #2: Tell me, Captain Planet, do you enjoy wearing pieces of animals on your wrist? Me: Excuse me? Club Member #2: Oh, I was just noticing your leather watchband. And nice shoes. Nike? Or products of child labor? Whatever you choose to call ’em, they’re still physical manifestations of sin. Me: Sorry. Club Member #3: Hey, kid! You like pizza? You like movies? Like ’em together? Me: Yeah, why? Club Member #3 (In a whisper): Well, kid. The more members we get, the more money we get. The more money we get, the more pizza and movies we get. Me: But your club sign says “Science Exploration Club” on it. Club Member #3: Shh! Man, of course it does. But what’s in a name, really? We have a club, we get members, our faculty advisor forgets when the meetings are and we get free pizza. What’s your problem? Me: You disgust me. Club Member #4: Hey there – are you a writer? Me: I write sometimes. Club Member #4: That’s great! Want to write for a literary publication? Me: Sure! Club Member #4: Okay, sign this sheet, then write three application essays, each in a unique voice and style. Me: Um… okay… Club Member #4: Then present your pieces to our panel of judges. If we like you, you can come to our audition workshop and we’ll narrow down the applicants into a smaller pool. Me: Hehe… right. Yeah… Club Member #4: The final stage of the process will involve a continuous whipping session from a trained cattle-lasher. The dozen or so who last the longest get to write pieces for this fall. Hey, where are you going? You forgot to write your e-mail! —Eli Grober
