As the Addison Gallery begins what promises to be a lengthy renovation process, many local artsy-farts have been displaced and plagued by homelessness. As many as 24 artsy-farts were found hiding in closets, bathroom stalls and heating vents as contractors searched the building before renovations began. Despite the artsy-farts’ continued attempts to re-enter the building, they found themselves roaming the streets. Although at first glance the eviction of the Addison’s residents may seem tragic and unfortunate, many of these displaced artsy-farts have found refuge in brightly colored, visually attractive cardboard boxes. The aesthetically pleasing habitats have recieved a mostly positive reaction from local residents, who say the boxes bring a modern and cosmopolitan feel to Andover’s streets and parking lots. “Normally, homeless people talk in jibberish and smell like pee,” says Dr. Richard Hertz of Andover, “but since new artsy-farts have began living on the streets, I’ve started to feel happier and more enlightened. One of them even gave me a ‘Free Tibet’ T-shirt made of hemp and cat hair.” The majority of these vagabonds have found a common meeting spot at the downtown Starbucks, where they drink soy lattes, talk about their feelings on blogs and complain about Republicans. As most people know, Starbucks is an ideal setting for many to type publicly on their laptops and vocalize their long-winded opinions, and it is no different with this new artsy-fartsy demographic. In a passage from one artsy-fart’s blog entry, “I feel so like, I dunno… it’s the Republicans, man, they’re just so like… bad.” The sudden migration of the artsy crowd has been a blessing for the manager of the downtown Starbucks, North Andover resident Elvira Johnston. “The presence of these artsy-farts has really helped business,” said Johnston, “These people have flocked to our store like pedophiles to a playground, and we’ve sold more soy lattes and Norah Jones CD’s than we ever did before they showed up.” It is also interesting to discover that these refined hipsters played a major role in saving the downtown Starbucks from closing in this summer’s nationwide 600 store shutdown. “We were on the list of stores to get the axe,” explained Ms. Johnston, “then the farts really came through for us and spent enough money to prevent us from closing.” According to Johnston, since the Addison closed for renovations, the new customers have combined to spend over $125,000 on Starbucks products, like espresso machines, Ethos water and Akeelah and the Bee on DVD. Johnston went on to add, “Seriously, it’s lucky we didn’t close down, because then I would’ve had to become a prostitute and start selling drugs out of an old van! [Uncomfortable laughter]” At this point, two of the questions that remain are: a.) What does the future hold for the artsy-farts? and b.) How are sausages made? Although the latter is a mystery to all but a chosen few, the former is answered by Dr. Herbert “H-Dogg” Melville, a professor who specializes in Artsy-Fart Displacement at the Gary Coleman Center for Homeless Studies at Grand River Community College in Waco, Texas. “Artsy-farts need constant exposure to art,” said H-Dogg, “And when they don’t get it, they get all cranky and grumpy and move to San Francisco. That place is like a graveyard for those people.” After being asked if that meant the artsy-farts wouldn’t come back, Dr. Melville replied, “Yeah, they all like riding trolleys and living in their bungalows and lofts too much. When the Addison opens back up, there will be a new round of recent art school graduates and hipsters to replace the old artsy-farts. It happens all the time.”
