Monday, 11:59 P.M. ?An illegal cock-fighting club was almost discovered in the basement of Sam Phil. Acting on a tip from Chickadee Cox, a local talking bird, PAPS officer Joey Fishburne found bloody feathers and a rolled up wad of hundred dollar bills in an anonymous girl’s backpack. The investigation hit a dead end after the entire campus had been checked out and no cases of the bird flu epidemic had been reported to Isham Health Center. Tuesday, 11:23 A.M. During 4th lunch, an army of squirrels raided Uncommons, taking any nuts they could get their paws on. Types of nuts stolen include: peanuts, walnuts, chesnuts, coconuts, macadamia nuts and freshmen’s nuts. Wednesday, 10:52 A.M. During All-School Meeting, numerous calls from students to PAPS suggested that Mrs. Chase had been brainwashed and ordered to sing spontaneously. PAPS arrived on the scene, and found no problem in the situation, besides the whole singing thing. Wednesday, 5:50 P.M. Officers were called to the library to find 50 seniors crowded around the front entrance. They said they couldn’t leave in fear of getting “spooned.” As all this happened, a few Lowers took their cue to attempt their interpretation of the game. It wasn’t pretty. Thursday, 6:45 P.M. PAPS, with their exorbitant amount of free time, sat down and solved the most challenging mystery of the last decade. That’s right… they found Waldo. This discovery overshadowed that of the cock-fighting cult, such that all of the cockers were able to escape from PAPS headquarters, cocks in hand. Cocks. Friday, 7:55 P.M. Shrieks were heard across campus as sign-in approached the night before Saturday classes, also known as the worst night ever. Graham House was filled to the ceiling with both students and their tears. Saturday, 4:00 A.M. A post-graduate Andover student called PAPS because he had a bad dream and was having trouble falling asleep. PAPS came to his room, read him, “The Little Engine That Could” and sang various lullabies. He never slept better than that night. Saturday, 7:34 P.M. When grandparents of Andover students would have normally been going to bed, they were instead getting ready to head over to bingo night. PAPS was called in to deal with the many slow drivers and countless faulty turn signals. Traffic was backed up for hours due to the slow speeds and “eventual lefts.”
