The Eighth Page

The AP Monster

Possibly the most grotesque-looking super villain of all time, The AP Monster feeds off of students’ anxieties and fears. All those who feel unprepared, be warned—he’s going to ruin your springtime fun. With the ability to take off a quarter of a point for every wrong answer, the dreadful AP Monster has already conquered all 50 states and other U.S. territories. Known for its incredible stamina and endurance, the AP Monster can outlast the toughest oppoents—even the SAT I and ACT tests combined. This monster is no joke. In a showdown with this beast, the best you can do is get a 5. And even then, what have you really accomplished? Nothing. So sharpen your #2 pencils and brace yourselves. Anyone facing this giant is in for a world of pain. Catchphrase “You… go… University… of Phoenix… Online…” The AP Monster in Action The AP Monster throws itself onto a desk in front of a tired, overworked student. The AP Monster: Take me! Student: No! I can’t do it anymore! What’s the point!? These integrations are impossible to calculate. Only a student who’s prepared for college-level courses could defeat you. I’m just an annoying lower who shouldn’t be here! The AP Monster: Hahaha, that’s right. Shed those college angst-filled tears on my air-tight seal! You’ll have to open me at some point! Student: What can I do? Who will help me? Featuresman appears in next desk over. Featuresman: Never fear! Featuresman is here! The AP Monster: That line is so cliché. And what are you going to do? Your powers of sexual innuendo and Pete-vision are no match for my unlimited capabilities of evil. Featuresman: That may be so AP Monster, but I believe you’re forgetting one little detail. Behold! The Princeton Review! Featuresman pulls out the AP Review Book and throws it at the AP Monster. He lands a direct hit and the monster starts dissolving away. The AP Monster: Nooooo! My only weakness! How did you know? Featuresman: Well, Mr. AP Monster. Any idiot knows that the best way to conquer an AP exam is to be adequately prepared. That’s why you should use the Princeton Review. It’s the best AP prep book on the market. Princeton Review AP prep books are available for purchase at Get yours today! — Eli Grober, Lawrence Dai