In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy and John Badman ’06, whose article you may have seen in last week’s paper, we would like to present you with an updated version of an article that he pioneered: “If …, you might go to Andover.” If you think that the weekend consists of 8-10 pm on Fridays and 8-11:30 pm on Saturdays, you might go to Andover. If you hold the world record for most popped collars worn at a time, you might go to Andover. If you think that the walrus is a literate land mammal, you might go to Andover. If you live in Rockwell North, room 217, you might go to Andover. If your maid has a summer home, you might go to Andover. If you love Snapple, but not as much as the girl whose dad used to own the company, you might go to Andover. If you know what the phallic statue is, and have measured it for math class, you might go to Andover. If your idea of a nightclub is the Ryley room, you might go to Andover. If the highlight of your sex life was BIO 100, you might go to Andover. If the sight of a white Honda CRV compels you to assume the position, you might go to Andover. If you think about The Grapes of Wrath whenever it rains, you might go to Andover. If Santa Claus gives you gym clothes on a regular basis, you might go to Andover. If you think that the only way to keep warm is to wear a North Face, you might go to Andover. If you’ve ever crushed up caffeine pills and poured the powder into a Red Bull and then injected the concoction into your temple in order to pass History 300, you might go to Andover. If your monthly living expenses amount to $7000, you might go to Andover. If there is a building named after you at Yale, you might go to Andover. If “he’s back” means something to you, you might go to Andover. If overcutting does not mean that you listen to Dashboard Confessional and cry yourself to sleep at night, you might go to Andover. If PG is not a movie rating, but rather an athlete with two daughters, a beard, and a mortgage, you might go to Andover. If you are contemplating naming your firstborn child “PrateekKumarClassof2007,” you might go to Andover. If GW is a building, not a college, you might go to Andover. If you know that the bird sanctuary doesn’t actually contain birds, you might go to Andover. If you know what a parietal is but have never had one, you might go to Andover. If you call your house counselor to ask for car permission during July, you might go to Andover. If you know that a “blue key” doesn’t open any door, you might go to Andover. If you consider monkey bread a dietary staple, you might go to Andover. If you think we need more day student parking, you might go to Andover. If you know how sick you’ll feel after eating Golden Chopsticks but eat it anyways, you might go to Andover.
