The Eighth Page

Grimy Boarders

The grimy boarding student is a style that is taking the campus by storm. Unlike other campus fashions, the grimy boarder look actually originated right here at Phillips Andover. The look was created by a collective brood of boarding students whose poor time management skills and procrastination forced them to adopt a clothing style that would best suit their needs. Because every grimy boarder spends 6 hours chatting on instant messenger instead of doing homework at night, sleep becomes a valued commodity. Hence the grimy boarder usually will duct tape his/her first period course materials to their expendable nylon or sweat pants. This way, the alarm clock can go off at 7:58 a.m. and the student will arrive at class on time. Since the grimy boarder is always short on time, showering must be sacrificed in order to be punctual. To mask the pungent odor that usually irradiates from this unprepared student, a bottle of axe or even an entire air freshener is carried around this person’s neck, disguised as a necklace or even “bling.” For th mating season, it is important the grimy boarder gather all the information possible on his/ her peers, in addition to the standard amount of time spent on the computer/ cell phone. Thus, a chip is implanted in the back of that person’s skull, a chip that will directly upload new comments and photos into the person’s brain. With the newly acquired information, the boarder will then spend another 1-2 hours chatting on AIM depriving his/her poor soul of all functional brain activity that would normally be used during the following day of classes. Hence, the grimy boarder also carries around and indestructible water bottle filled to the brim with red bull energy drink. Since the advent of the grimy boarder look, hundreds of students have abandoned their standard garb to adopt this new revolution in time efficient clothing. God bless America.