The Eighth Page

Winter Term

Winter Term is like making love to a walrus. When it’s bad it’s really bad, and when it’s good, it’s still a walrus. And on top of that, Winter Term as an Upper is more like making love to a particularly unruly Walrus who has a bad case of crabs. Don’t let Mrs. Chase fool you; Winter Term is by no means the happy-go-lucky smile fest that Babs described to us at all school meeting last week. No. Winter Term is by no means all about throwing soft, fuzzy, fluffy, happy snowballs that cheerfully melt into thousands of luscious kisses upon contact with your skin. Instead, Winter Term is more like a snowball fight between opposing street gangs, in which each snowball is yellow, laced with acid, and filled with deadly syringes and anthrax. X-Treme. I am reminded of my hero David Curtis ’07 (who by the way was cast for the lead role in the upcoming film Brokeback Mountain) who once said “UnGh” with that in mind I would like to run a simple idea by you, a “modest proposal” if you will. It is clear that due to the harsh winters on Academy Hill that there simply will not be enough food to go around. Now I know that a certain portion of the school will take offense to this upcoming idea, however we need to remember that ultimately we all need to be concerned with the greatest good for the greatest amount of people. Non Sibi Baby. Therefore, in response to the food shortage, I propose that we merely eat all the freshmen on campus. I mean seriously, who really likes freshmen anyways; they are loud, smelly and annoying. Plus, freshmen meat is delicious. I particularly know of some great recipes for cooking freshmen. Therefore, I propose that we skin them before eating them and wear their skin as coats thereby killing two birds with one stone. Another thing I learned from the Indians is that if someone is bigger than you, and they have bigger weapons than you, they basically own you, and can boss you around. Therefore, getting these freshmen to comply with these regulations would not be a problem. Although my idea would definitely work as a long-term solution for the Andover community, present and future, alas, I am not sure if all members of the faculty would welcome this idea. Although the finest freshmen meat would be offered to them first, sadly I don’t see my sweet idea happening here in the near future. Andover is way too far right wing for that kind of thing. Damn conservatives. In fact, the only way to actually get this plan instituted would be to get it passed by BLC, and I happen to know for a fact that BLC is a vegetarian; this guy I know told me and he wouldn’t lie. If I were the head of school I would use my newly vested authority to make winter term better for all students. Firstly, I would improve the pace of life for everybody, faculty included (teachers need some love too 🙂 ) I would also make commons food better and not worse. I would institute new things to make uppers not stress out about colleges and freshmen not annoying. I would increase morale around campus with my wild antics and quirky sense of humor; telling sweet jokes about bananas and oranges. And lastly I would make frowning illegal. Sometimes it’s the simplest solutions that are the best solutions guys.