When I heard that Andover was finally getting some pocket change, I thanked my lucky stars that the trustees had invested in Easy Bake Ovens, and we’d finally be able to hire the teachers we deserve. It is only logical that we use any new money to hire faculty. While I respect the Andover teachers, they simply don’t have the star power required to teach at such as privileged institution. With the exception of any teachers I have, I recommend a complete turnover of the faculty and staff. First off, I’d like to recommend Mr. T as a new Dean of Student Activities. Not only do I feel that Mr. T will have great new ideas for weekend fun, but I think that attendance will increase under his direction. “I pity the fool who doesn’t show up to Friday’s formal tea party!” To oversee one of the most important transitions of our young lives, the whole College Counseling Office needs a complete retooling. I humbly offer the entire roster of the Portland Trail Blazers to fill this void. Not only would the 12 of them bring, collectively, five years of college experience to the job, but also a physical presence in the low post. While Daniel Adler ’05 is a great President and an enjoyable speaker, the fact that I like him doesn’t get me slapped by my girlfriend. To address this lack of slapping, I humbly submit Lindsay Lohan as a replacement Student Council President. Sorry, Adler. The Andover History Department is made up of a group of well-spoken men and women with an extensive knowledge of history. But in some sense, so are most packs of weasels, and weasels come with the benefit of a variety of blood-born viruses. Thus, let us make the substitution of our history faculty for a pack of trained weasels. Personally, I like my house counselors, but other dorms aren’t as lucky as the Fuess. While many argue that the students benefit from having faculty living amongst them, I submit that students would be better served by replacing the house counselors with clones of Martha Stewart. Or, in the case of Stewart actually being a robot, we could simply build more of her. The World Language Department as a whole will be replaced with a similarly structured Infomercial Production Department. While French may have been popular in the past, you should see the lines forming to sign up for The Gazelle Freestyle, with Tony Little. Seeing as how we’ll be employing such pillars of modern infomercials such as Tony Little and Cleo the Psychic, you’d think we’d have them work in the gym as well. While no infomercial stars will be replacing any coaches, I do recommend hiring the upper management of the NRA. They would bring not only a connection the great Karl Malone, but also a radical interpretation of the second amendment. While I love and respect the commons staff, especially after they stood and left last week’s All-School Meeting, I can only imagine how honored I’d feel being served lunch by the animators from Lord of the Rings. The guy who just gave you a plate of onion rings is also responsible for the graphic demise of over 30,000 orcs. For most of Andover’s students, the Music Department serves as a daily reminder of the dangers of crossing Main Street. While their employment would do nothing to bring safety to our students, I do believe that the entire group of 100,000 American Idol contestants would make a great music faculty. To replace our esteemed visual art department, I propose the hiring of anybody who can decipher the symbolic meaning of the beehive on our school crest. Finally, to replace Mrs. Chase as our Head of School, I propose the one celebrity with the greatest likeness to Gunga. For both his ape-like appearance and his touching performance in Death To Smoochy, Robin Williams stands out as a uniquely promising candidate to lead this academy into the ridiculous.
