The Eighth Page

Kid Doesn’t Smell Like Anything

Stain Repellant Pants Really Not a Gimmick Tulsa, OK – “When I first bought these, I totally thought I was throwing my money away, but I wanted to impress my girlfriend,” said David Broomdale from his Lakeview apartment on Wednesday. “I was wrong though, these things are sweet. Like sweeter than the George Forman.” Broomdale has for weeks now been experimenting with his stain repellant pants, putting them to the test against a whole spectrum of staining liquids. “At first I kept it simple, the basic orange juice and water type stuff, but not anymore. Yesterday I tried chocolate milk, and tomorrow I’m thinking of busting out the maple syrup”, said Broomdale as he purposely knocked his bowl of iron-fortified oatmeal into his lap. “Not this time, Quaker Oats Man,” he laughed as he wiped his pants clean with a napkin. As with any story, however, there is a ying to the stain-repellant yang. “Last time we went to the movies, he asked the kid behind the counter to pump butter on his crotch,” says a distraught Stacey Fisk, David’s girlfriend of three years. “All he ever does anymore is pour stuff on his pants. He lost his job last week because he got egg-yolk on his boss’s rug. I’m thinking we need to take a break.” Despite his recent losses, Broomdale has decided to forge on, although he did express his doubts as I left his apartment. “I guess when nothing sticks to your pants, no one sticks to you,” Broomdale said, a small tear dropping from his cheek onto his pants, which reliably beaded it onto the floor. Kid Doesn’t Smell Like Anything Los Angeles, CA – Area local Ted Civetti has been reported by numerous sources as having a curious lack of smell. “I used to think it was a stupid thing to dwell on, but lately it’s really been bothering me,” said best friend Sarah Gilton. “Most normal people smell like something, but he just has a complete lack of smell. It’s like sniffing water…it really pisses me off.” A confused Civetti, however, feels helpless. “I guess I just don’t want to wear cologne or anything…it’s sleazy. Besides, it isn’t like I smell bad.” Jack Aspinwall, Civetti’s lab partner, had more to say. “It’s sort of like someone with a gap in their eyebrow. It’s really hard to notice it, but once you do, you can’t stop staring at it. All I want now is for Ted to smell like something. Last week I squeezed a lemon on his arm, and when I bent over to sniff it, I swear I couldn’t smell a thing.” The real victim of this phenomenon, however, is Civetti’s dog, Jinky. “When his father and I walk into a room, Jinky perks up right away and comes over to play with us,” Civetti’s mother Susan said. “When Ted walks into the room, Jinky just gets confused and runs into the wall.” A possible intervention is being planned for next week, although Civetti has already caught wind. “I think this whole thing has gotten way out of control. It’s not like I sit Sarah down and tell her that she needs to shave her moustache.”