The Eighth Page

Fibrulizing Sequentialness

Exam week has always been a tough time for me here at Andover. I’ve had many memorable moments from this week, from the time freshman year I finished my Spanish final in 12 minutes (only to find out later I had completed 1 of 14 pages), to the time earlier this year that my pen exploded in my English final (I don’t mean ink spilled out of my pen, I mean the pen exploded, with ink and glass shrapnel rocketing around the gym.) It has been a whacky three years, but here I present to you my top 3 exam taking moments of all time, in descending order of truthfulness. 3. English 100 Fall Term Exam. I went into my English final that day feeling confident. I was a Junior guy at Andover and the world was my playground. Classes were a breeze, girls were starting to acknowledge my existence from time to time, and my team, JV soccer, was undefeated. This final, however, would show me how cruel a place Andover could be. I sat down in my little lefty desk (which actually fit nicely at the time) and got ready to get a big 6 on the English final. Our teacher handed out the exams, and I looked down at my test. We had to write one essay on Huckleberry Finn! Huck Finn had been my favorite book all term, and I was ready to get a big 6. I began writing feverishly about the relationship between Huck and his friend, Jim. After writing as fast and brilliantly I could, the exam was about to end. With 30 seconds left, I took one last look at the exam question. “Examine the relationship between Huck and his friend, Tom.” I then realized I had written the entire paper about Huck and his friend, Jim. (This is a true story). In a rush of desperation, I ran through my exam, crossed out all the “Jims” and wrote in “Tom” and hoped that it made some sort of sense. It didn’t. 2. Chemistry 300 Winter Term Exam This exam wasn’t so much funny as it was one of the most painful, shocking, humiliating, and humbling experiences of my life. There were highlights to the exam, notably on a question that read (and I quote), “Explain the fibrulizing sequentialness to the deonoxyribonucleic acidicity in molar form and Kelvin form, making sure to note the pressurizing filamentation of the hydrogen bonds.” I looked over the question for 10 to 15 minutes, then whipped out my calculator to do a series of calculations, and then (after converting to kiloliters) finally reached my answer of, “Baltimore, Maryland”. Needless to say, the test was a bad experience for me. I also recall walking out of that exam with my good friend Victor Miller ’05 and comparing some of our answers on the test, most disheartening of those which had been that he had calculated the answer to number 2 to be “77.2181 to the 14th power m/l/g/mph”, while my answer had been “Two peaches, three if they’re ripe!” 1. Russian 580 Spring Term Exam I remember it was the spring of my lower year. We were playing meatstiK everyday, the sun was shining, and my life was A-okay. It was 2:30 in the afternoon during exam week, and I had been out sunbathing, when a couple of my friends walked by me. I asked them where they were going, and they replied, “To take our foreign language exams!” I panicked at this point; I had forgotten my Spanish final! I ran as fast as I could to the gym where I rushed into an empty desk just as the final began. I looked down at my paper and soon detected I had made a horrible mistake. I was taking a Russian final! I realized how foolish I had been, and went up to the front of the room to correct my mistake with the proctors. I don’t know how many of you have taken a Russian or German final, but it is interesting to know the teachers don’t actually attend the final. Instead, they let a 300 lb. woman named Brunhilda officiate the exam. I went up to Brunhilda and explained my plight. She replied to me, in an indiscernible accent, that I should “GO SEET IN ZEE CHAIR BEFORE I PUNISH YOU LIKE I LOVE TO DO!” I rushed back to my seat, too afraid to move, and decided it wasn’t worth trying an escape, as Brunhilda sat with her bamboo rod in hand, ready to pounce. Seeming days passed as I took the Russian 580 final, with sweat pouring down my face as Brunhilda stared at me with her meaty eyes. After a painful hour and a half the exam was finally over and I ran out to freedom! Two weeks later I got back my Russian final and I received a 3+ on it, but I think I would’ve done better if I had more time.