I feel that, finally, I can say with great confidence—the kind of confidence with which I asked Sobeida, my favorite Commons lady, for her number—that I have reached the high point of my Andover career. It is certainly true that I made this same claim some years ago after successfully eating five plates of shepherd’s pie and washing it down with two glasses of mayonnaise, thus dually earning the titles ‘King of the Shepherds’ and ‘engorged like none other,’ but I feel that this time I can truly make the claim that my Andover career has reached its high water mark. Those of you who actually read The Phillipian regularly—and I mean actually read the paper, not just use it to vigorously fan out the fire you started in the bagel toaster at Commons—know exactly why I feel that I have made my most significant accomplishment to date: I am now a Features Editor. Many of you will be surprised at the news of my new position on The Phillipian board. Some of you probably thought that I was included in the Features section only because of my alarming, Crocodile Hunter-esque good looks; more of you probably never noticed that the Faculty Child Profile no longer graces the pages of Features and took me for the mislead, kind-hearted progeny of a teacher. But, alas, you will all know my name thanks to my place at the top of one of the most powerful student publications on campus. Now that I am an editor, however, I have a great deal of responsibility. I have more responsibility, even, than this summer, when my mother let me stay home alone for the first time while she ran some errands. Well, I can promise all of my readers that I will not abuse this responsibility the way I did that fateful summer day; no, I will not forget to take the popcorn out of the microwave and burn the house down, thrusting my family into a life of homeless misery…metaphorically speaking, of course. In fact, I am so serious about my new position, yes, so dedicated to the advancement and progress of the Features section, that I have come up with some specific ideas to better Features, and The Phillipian, for countless boards to come. Most importantly, I feel that subliminal messaging needs to become a mainstay in the Features section. There are many advantages in the utilization of subliminal messages. Firstly, it is an efficient way to fill the vacant heads of mindless Features readers with positive, wholesome ideas. For example, the Administration could commission a subliminal message stating, subliminally, of course: YOU ARE ALL SLAVES OF THE ACADEMY. WORK, MY LITTLE MINIONS…JUDGEMENT DAY IS FAST APPROACHING! These types of subliminal messages could be arranged, of course, only for a price (i.e. that waterbed I’ve always wanted in Fuess. Feel my wrath, OPP!). Also, subliminal messages could be advantageous for me, personally, in that I could use it to attain useful, positive things, among them: women, free food, tiki torches, free dental work, and increasing amounts of power, starting with school domination, and slowly spreading to the county, state, national, world, and, finally, UNIVERSAL level! Another useful addition to the Features page would be a revival of the late, great ‘Athlete of the Week’ feature, moving it from the Sports section to the only meaningful section in The Phillipian. Instead of awarding the honor based on athletic prowess and accomplishment, however, I feel that the ‘Athlete of the Week’ should be determined based on the length of time for which a given student can hold his or her breath. May the best man or woman win. There are many other additions that would be beneficial to the Features Section, but I will not bore them with you now. Instead, I will get a head start on the subliminal messaging idea with this subtle indoctrination: COMMENTARY IS A WORTHLESS SECTION, FULL OF CONSERVATIVE RANTINGS. CASSIE TOGNONI’S TRUE IDENTITY IS RUSH LIMBAUGH! FEATURES IS OKAY, NOT THAT GOOD, BUT STILL BETTER THAN COMMENTARY! CHRISTIAN VAREIKA IS THE BEST, PLEASE DONATE TO HIM ALL OF YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS OF SUBSTANTIAL FINANCIAL WORTH…OR JUST CALL HIM AT X6898…HE’S LONELY. In all seriousness, this next year of Features will be great, I promise…my minion….
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