The Eighth Page

Lower Form of Life

Every year in the winter term, a special time comes around. The Super Bowl is played, kids gossip about Head of School Day (2/4/03. Anyone who claims otherwise is incorrect), Winter Term bustles along, and Derrick Kuan ’04 gets that rash again. (Uzoma Iheagwara ’04 knows what I’m talking about). Arguably the biggest thing going around (depending on the growth of the rash), however, is the Blue and Silver Ball. Every student gets dressed up in his or her Sunday finest and heads to Lower Right for an enchanted evening of love – the real kind, like that shared between a man and a well-made Italian sports-car. Every student will go, except of course the Seniors, who will be at a party at a local boarder’s house that I wasn’t invited to. The truth of the matter, however, is that this dance is not all it’s cracked up to be. To attend this gala one must confront many problems along the way, and I am here to be your guide. The biggest problem confronting most people is finding a date. As you read this now, the dance will be tomorrow. Let’s get cracking. For you ladies, I have two words for you: Mark Shvartsman. To the guys: as you probably realize, most of the girls in the school already have dates, so we’re going to have to scrounge a little, but I have found a resource that is little known to unknown altogether. As I have recently found out, there are 60-70 beautiful new Lowers in Day Hall that no one (including roommates, house counselors, etc.) has ever seen. How do I know about this phenomenon, you ask? If you walk past Day Hall late at night, you can hear the faint cries of these lost girls in the Day Hall basement. (Then again, that could always be Christian Vareika ’05, wailing away his sorrows on his trusty piccolo- wait, why would he be in Day Hall late at night?). Some of these beautiful girls recently came to the surface, however, in the form of Sims Witherspoon ’05, Helen Chacon ’05, etc. to provide concrete proof of these mystery babes’ existence. Their past experiences are such a touchy subject, however, that when I asked those kind girls about them, Helen broke down in tears and Sims slapped me across the face, called her mom, told her about how awful I was, hung up the phone, then slapped me across the face again. For good measure, she whipped around and slapped Mackenzie King ’05 in the face and stole the donut he had just purchased from Ryley. Needless to say, the dorm the Admissions Office forced them into is terrible, and if one of you studly guys out there could whisk one of them away, Cinderella style, I’m sure it could make for an enchanted evening fit for a storybook or a catalog or something. Problem #2: The attire. If somehow you folks out there managed to find yourself a loving companion to the event, you’re going to need to dress in style. I really don’t need to write this for the girls, for they have been shopping for their Blue and Silver dress since sometime in the third grade. As for the guys, throw on a dress shirt for Crissakes, and stop whining to me. Jeeeeeezum, you think a guy would be able to throw on a classy shirt, string a tie around his neck, and pick a girl up, but ohhh no, you all gotta come crying to me. Well suck it up. [Insert expletive here]. Problem #3: Dancing. Many a person has come up to me and told me how they didn’t know how to dance. (“I don’t know how to dance!” is what they usually say.) Well, my friend, we’re going to get through this together, because if Bill Biregi ’04 can dance, the sweet lord knows you can. For the girls, there is one simple and golden rule: Shake what yo’ momma gave you. This rule doesn’t generally apply to guys, and can have disastrous results, (see notes above on Derrick Kuan ’04). The trick for guys is to get close to the girls, let them shake that with which their mothers endowed them, and try to remain calm. This dance should be exciting however, for the DJ is Dave Cassanave from KISS 108 FM! Though a change is welcome, I think we will all miss our usual formal dance disk jockey, DJ Cholesterol. DJ ‘Lester’ (as he likes to be called) has a place in my heart that no KISS 108 sell-out DJ could ever fill. So head on out to the Blue and Silver. It’ll be a blast. Tell me how it is afterward because, regrettably, I won’t be in attendance this year. DJ ‘Lester’ and I will be boycotting outside.