Features

Faculty Host Political Rallies in Dorms During Break

Multiple faculty members were caught using dorms as spaces to host undercover rallies for presidential candidates in the last week of Spring Vacation. Some faculty members demanded that students return early from vacation to attend these rallies. Others did not let their students leave campus for the entire break. Due to this display of irresponsibility and recklessness, certain faculty members have undergone punishments in order to correct their judgment.

Rob Otman, faculty member and self-proclaimed human, hosted a Hillary rally. He assembled The Hillary Clintotron 3000 in the silent common room. A crowd soon filed in. During her speech, Hillary Clintotron tried to show off her more personable and human side.
“L-M-A-O. Observe how human I am. Observe my lifelike flesh. Inhale my odor which resembles that of a woman. Yes, a woman! Not just a human; I am a woman! Cast your gaze on my realistic optical instruments. HA-HA, I am undoubtedly a human. Let us dispel the myth that I voiced Siri. The latter statement is not true,” The Clintotron said.

Afterwards, she tried to appeal to the younger attendees at the rally, saying, “Observe my youth. My synthetic skin does not decay. I was manufactu– I was born only a fraction of a millennium ago. I am hip. Y-O-L-O. SWAG.”

The Clintotron continued, “Hillary Clinton, more like Chillary Clinton Model #33B! I do not have the capability of emotion, unlike you lesser mortals. Please like me!”

The rally ended when someone accidentally tripped on her power cord and unplugged her. Rob Otman must attend the Views on Human Nature class in reparation for his actions.

Tom Longbottom, Teaching Fellow in Penmanship, organized a Chipotle munch in order to draw students from their rooms to the Donald Trump rally he was hosting in his common room.

Trump addressed Andover’s summer program, calling for its outright ban.

“When the summer program sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. Lots of problems! They’re bringing problematic people! They’re bringing fire hazards! They don’t even get car permission! Some, I assume, are good people. But we can’t forget the problems! Lots of them!” he said.
The crowd met Trump’s speech with a roaring applause. He garnered more support when he stated he would “create a database documenting all current and former students.”

PAPS was soon called to detain a student that attempted to attack Trump. Soon after, PAPS shut the rally down when it became too rowdy. Tom Longbottom was placed in a PACE class in order to provide some possibly beneficial information about those different from himself.
Simultaneously, Willow Spectrum, Instructor in Basket Weaving, hosted a Bernie Sanders rally in her empty dorm. After stepping onto the common room table, Bernie Sanders made comments about the price of the E&R laundry service.

“The cost of E&R is so high these days, young students are giving up their dreams by paying for clean clothes. I say, we make it free. In fact, I personally will hand-wash each and every single piece of clothing. To pay for it, we’ll raise taxes on the Den! Also, too much of our endowment is spent on the PAPS force because we are engaged in too many wars. The War on Exeter, the War on Cat Boners, the War on Sleep – you name it! We need to put this money to better use.”

Sanders also commented on the state of class inequality. He claimed that older students have more rights at Andover, saying, “Seniors get an extra hour on Friday. I say, we break up this big hour and distribute it among the other classes.” The crowd responded to his statements with huge applause. Bernie supporters, however, flooded social media with news of the rally, resulting in its discovery and its ultimate shutdown. Willow was coerced by the administration into taking an Economics 100 class after hosting the rally.
John Kasich also had a rally, but nobody attended it. There will be a memorial service next Wednesday dedicated to his campaign. He was escorted off campus shortly after.

Mar 25, 2016