On an ART225 class visit to the Addison Gallery, Sixtun Septimus ’29 was amazed at the artifacts. To be fair, the ones on display that day were extravagant: Dr. Kington’s crown, a jar containing Samuel Phillips’ children, and an invaluable portrait of the first head given by a Blue Key. Sixtun admired these works of art so much so that he decided they were meant to be his, in his dorm, edging at his desk. “This,” he whispered reverently, “must be my material.”
That night, he hatched a plan to break in and steal the art. Accompanied by a circle of jerks like him, they entered by night, quickly and quietly, with the intention to pull out as promptly as possible. The gang used a rope, gripped it tightly, and stroked it down as they descended the roof. Once inside, Sixtun says to the group, “Gentlemen…tonight we make history. Though it may be hard, unnatural, and cardiovascularly intensive, we must press on, no safe word needed.”
Along with the main three artifacts, they also stole many of the valuable ones as well; the value was so high, in fact, that Sixtun had to use a calc to find out the total cost (for those of you who are new to the Eighth Page, “calc” is slang for calculator.) They escaped through Elson and through George Washington Hall, but on their way out, they spilled the jar of Samuel Phillips’ “little ones” on the GW floor. Knowing that it would blend in with the already existing contents seeped into the GW carpet, they carried on, as it would be impossible to tell the difference.
The next day, after the items were found stolen, Campus Safety investigated to locate them. When interviewed, they stated, “The thieves have an impeccable pull-out game. They came fast, yet left no trace inside. This was definitely a job that was blown at a higher level by professionals.” They continued, “Do not worry, campus. We will find these penetrating perpetrators at once! Be on the lookout for the lost items. We have to be all in to find them.
Sixtun’s favorite artwork out of the ones he stole was the stunning portrait. However, after looking at it for a while, he finished and entered a state of post-rob clarity. He realized that his actions were wrong, and everyone should enjoy the art he stole, not just him. With this in mind, he put the works in his sack and returned them to Campus Safety. Rather than getting in trouble, they just took the items and sent Sixtun on his way.
The following day was another art trip to the Addison; however, Sixtun realized the art pieces were still not put back, nor was there any mention of them being retrieved. Sources who spoke on condition of anonymity, because their BlueCards still work, confirmed that Campus Safety had quietly relocated the recovered artifacts to a secure, climate-controlled locker in the basement of their building. Late-night patrols report faint sounds emanating from the evidence room, along with the rhythmic squeak of a duty chair and the unmistakable sound of a crown being used in ways Sixtun never intended.
