The famed horse from Enumclaw, Washington was just one of the many attractions at Andover’s fyre carnival. The carnival attracted anybody from freshmen, to other freshmen, to seniors who could only be described as “waiting for marriage,” and they milled around the four attractions for hours. However, following the impaling of a student on the top of Sam Phil after being flung while riding the mechanical bull, the Coalition of Litigants Outraged With Nonsense (C.L.O.W.N.) has come together to launch a class action lawsuit against Andover.
Count I: Mechanical Bull Endangerment: The bull, an extra in the film Brokeback Mountain has also decided to join the lawsuit, saying it felt violated by what the school told him was an “easy bullj*b”. He was also very upset about certain riders attempting to mount him “upside down.” The culprits were spotted walking around a little funny the next day with milk mustaches.
Count II: Unlawful Bouncy Castle Confinement: Students were trapped in the “Cobb castle” with disgraced former Andover teachers. Following that, they had to stand under a miniature basketball hoop and allow teaching fellows to “posterize” them. Only then were they allowed to escape the castle via a long, oily slide (the Bull had visited the slide).
Count III: 7 Students were knocked into Andover Football playing condition after getting their thick heads rocked by the spinning rod machine. The school was quick to remind the community that “safety is our number one priority” before clarifying that they will review all “carnivalesque practices” and potentially limit them to chosen students, signaling them with a sticker on their BlueCard.
With the lawsuit pending, questions swirl about whether the beloved school carnival will ever return. Some propose replacing dangerous rides with “low-impact attractions” such as Scrabble tournaments, supervised knitting circles. Others argue that risk is simply “part of the Andover experience” and going “All In.” Just don’t let the Bull hear that.
