The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Mavericks GM that traded Luka attended Exeter for high school

Punxsutawney Phil discovered to have ties with Skiing Industry. The now-infamous Groundhog is being held in solitary confinement, without a nearby light source to create a shadow.

Forty-seven students found dead after a student severely misunderstands class assassin.

Student wearing Bianca Censori’s 2025 Grammys outfit manages to get the first-ever dress code violation

Visiting Trustee Hospitalized After Using America House Sponge

Phillips Academy Football Alum gains his seventh ring after remarrying an even younger woman

Blue Key Heads Discovered Offering Unsanctioned Pre-Valentines Day Lap Dances Outside of Student Activities Office 

Student Goes Missing After Failing to Submit Mid-Year Reflection on Time

Archeologists at the Peabody Museum make shocking discovery after opening the Blue Book for the first time in Phillips Academy History