House Counselor = CIA interrogator
Pine Knoll = Undeveloped Minecraft Biome
Sanctuary Stroll = Where Celibacy Goes to Die (for the squirrels, of course)
Weekly ASM = Mass Indoctrination to Commu—Non Sibi Spirit
PA Football Game = An Acceptable Show of Men Touching Each Other in Tights
Den Bathroom = Hookah Bar
EBI Senior = Sheeple Disciple
Basement of the Library = iPad Kid Affinity Group Headquarters
CORE BLUE = Restorative Highs
