The upper management of The Phillipian is much like the tribal council of the Iroquois. Fierce, proud, and in charge, they only differ from the savages in that they are not cannibals. Their only important function as editors involves catching all the egregious racial falsehoods present in Features that we have “neglected” to edit out. And by neglect, I mean we never read this stuff in the first place. Haha, poop. To begin with, there’s Emma Wood ’07, News Director. Her primary role is “snooping” out hot leads and yelling at the lowly news writers, via email. She also enjoys long walks on the beach and emotional conversations about“feelings.”Furthermore, she is very much available, and very much desperate. For a good time, call 867-5309. Then there’s Lauren Kelleher’07, Managing Editor. Although I don’t actually know what that means, I do know that she tends to yell at people a lot. Her verbal threats are matched only by her vicious beatings and admirable toleration of libel. She is a firm supporter of women’s rights, also known as a filthy, fish-eating feminist. Nevertheless, like all women except for Star Jones, her place is actually in the home, as she will soon come to find. Prateek Kumar, Class of 2007, is the Deputy Managing Editor. He could well be considered Kelleher’s lackey, because he is a mere deputy. In Toy Story, when you pull Woody’s string, he says, “Howdy partner, my name’s Woody. You’re my favorite deputy.” Haha, Woody. Stephen Blackman is the Editor-in-Chief of the paper. He is the big dog, the CEO, the big kahuna, the big man on campus, and Chuck Norris all in one. It is his job to make sure Features doesn’t get any more people arrested. He claims that he did not sleep with any one to get EIC.
