I know what the first thing is that pops into your head when you think of the Feechlympics: What would the torch say if it could talk? Every four years, the torch gets carried around a track in front of millions of people, to start the greatest sporting event the world has ever known, besides cup stacking. That torch must have a lot on his/her mind, and would want to share it with the people that haul him/her around. Torch: 9,643 bottles of beer on the wall, 9,643 bottles of beer, you take one down, pass it around…. (Feechlympic official opens case) Hey, come back in a little, I got to finish my song. (Gets taken out of case) Man, it’s cold out here; why don’t you light me up now so I’m not so chilly. (Torch takes a quick nap as official carries him/her to the stadium.) (Ceremony begins, waking the torch.) Torch: Good morning world, or good evening. It’s so dark I can’t tell what time of day it is. Wow, good turn-out this year. Hopefully the runners have a softer touch than last year, and drier hands. There is nothing worse than a hot, sweaty hand wrapped around my handle. You batons know what I’m talking about. Chinese Runner: (goes to podium, attempting to light the torch) Come on, light already! Torch: Ouch! Just get it over with, man. This isn’t rocket science. Make fire come out of the thing your holding, and touch the flammable-stuff on my head with it. Man, you guys are not very bright, are you? Chinese Runner: (Lights torch, and begins running.) Torch: Answer me, dammit. I am your superior, so you answer me when I ask a question! (Gets handed off to Kenyan runner, and then to a French runner before the torch knows what happened) Wow, that guy was fast. Great, now I’m stuck with Frenchy. Pick up the pace, Le’ too slow for the le’ Feechlympics. Maybe you should cut back on those French fries and crepes, or stop wasting time at your precious museums. French Runner: (Hands torch off to Russian, who almost drops it.) Torch: How could you almost drop me? I am the Feechlympic frickin’ torch, man. You drop me and you disgrace not only your country, but the generations of athletes that have participated in these game. You guys drop a lot of stuff, now that I think of it; bombs and your popularity are the biggest I can think of at the moment. I’ll get back to you in four years so I have time to think it over. (Gets handed to Japanese runner) I’m bored, so you better hurry up! Japanese Runner: You don’t have to yell. I’m going as fast as I can. Torch: Wait, you can understand me? Japanese Runner: Yes. My country has invented everything we need, so we thought it would be interesting to know what torches are thinking. I have a “torch to English” translator in my ear. Torch: That is awesome, because I have had so much to say over the years that… (handed off to American runner). Hey, wait a second! I didn’t get a chance to say anything significant! American Runner: What did you want to say? Torch: You have a “torch to English” translator in your ear, too? American Runner: Yeah, our top scientists just invented it. It is going to change the world! Torch: But the Japanese guy just said his people invented it. American Runner: Well, we are Americans, so whatever we say is right must be right. Torch: Yeah, I guess so…. —Ryan Yost
