Phillipian Satire: Prom Roasts

Prom Roasts

• David O’Neill & Sarah Powers
  • Get Neicia’s approval X
  • Rating: Hours David spent crying over Sarah / the width of the ice David is on

• Matt Saleh & Anastasia Paul
  • Did he agree to the open relationship?
  • Rating: $ Anastasia had to pay to go to prom with him/1000 

• Quiana Bell & Bailey Jean-Pierre
  • Rumor has it Q only agreed so she could be an ad lib on RTK’s next single, Tik Tok on my C**k (Inspired by the hit Kesha Song)
  • Rating: # of spotify monthly listeners 

• Lucy Parker & Joe Doyle
  • Take her to Israel for the honeymoon
  • Rating: Crisis management (“Good boy Joe!” -Peter Thiel)

• Philip Meng & Sophie Liang
  • Sigmund Freud would love this relationship (lowk Oedipus complex @theofficialnateliang)
  • Rating: # of LinkedIn connections 

• Dylan Anzel & Riya Patel
  • Different views of swastika
  • Rating: # of people who leave the Den after Dylan starts DJ-ing/1000

• Francesca Dizon & Sean Griggs 
  • By some miracle
  • Rating: Magnitude of swag gap 

• Mercan Draman & Noah Pare
  • Goodbye wholesome small town boy
  • Rating: R

• Elan and Tori
  • Rating: # football players
  • Roast: At least they see eye to eye

• Caroline Averill & Will Ware 
  • This is the closest Will can get to Heated Rivalry
  • Rating: Marginally better than Andover Affirmations

• Rowan Leckerling & Tina Phan
  • Only sent to breathalyze her for Big Leck “Ay Pops, EL WIRO” 
  • Rating: Days left on the ankle monitor

• Dean Burton & Lilly Stephenson
  • The question is, can Dean handle the wrath of Loomis’s newest 5 star football recruit?
  • Rating: Tommy’s age – Dean’s Age (approx 3)

• Ayush Gupta & Prisha Shivani
  • No roast, show em what those dogs can do Ayush!
  • Rating: How many Zimbabwean dollars Ayush paid her to go with him

• Mojmir Horvath & Izzy Park
  • Adoptive father-daughter dinner dance
  • Rating: Auditory Data Izzy has contributed to Mojmir’s LLMs measured in words per Minute

• Anny Wang & David Song
  • Rumor has it, Anny will be continuing to collect Class Rep signatures at Prom
  • Rating: # of times an innocent child has been forced to third wheel in Silent

• Matt Shampine & Angelina Vincent
  • Will be filming EVERYTHING with his Meta glasses
  • Rating: Combined Social IQ/10

• Micheal Kawooya & Hluma Mangcu: 
  • Sharpay and Ryan in the 2026 Woke Netflix rerun
  • Rating: Disney Channel

• Ruby Kokinos & Owen Callahan
  • Marek and Emerson before it went south
  • Rating: | Days Together – Days Apart |/Total days

• Lilly Hall & Sean Kim
  • Might even hold hands on the dance floor
  • Rating: Broke the scale, cuteness overload!

• George Elliott & Caroline Young: 
  • Blinked twice to accept promposal 
  • Rating: # of words spoken /10

• David Frahm & Sophia Lazar
  • Siblings or dating
  • Rating: # of sightings in Elson catacombs

• Sophia Tabibian & Corey Shen: 
  • Will show up to prom in an EV
  • Rating: combined MMR of B2B SaaS

• Ethan Liu & Claire Wang
  • Red Panda Express
  • Rating: Percent increase of Ethan’s rizz while playing saxophone

• Amina Gorman & Chris Fu
  • Amina’s all about that bass 
  • Rating: # of body rolls CFU bear will hit at Prom/100

• Drew Wasylyshyn & Sarah Katib
  • Spit siblings?
  • Rating: Andover, MA connected

• Nick Kramer & Isabella Mazzi
  • How do you say “how the f***” in Portuguese
  • Rating: Nick’s Global Valorant Ranking/5

• Gracie and Rohan
  • Roast: Will definitely be on the front page of the PA Instagram post
  • Rating: Number of people who got a $5 Den gift card on their birthday

• Tyler Miocevich & Maya Swanson 
  • Took her to the O(ntario greater area) 
  • Rating: # of shoe inserts needed/10

• Zoe von Eckartsberg & Jacob Gourley
  • They are family! Get up everybody and sing!
  • Rating: RP’s NHL prospects

• James Gordon & Sydney Jan
  • Sponsored by the TikTok creator fund
  • Rating: # of views on TikTok / 100 million

• Cade Rutkoske & Sarah Bae
  • BKHcess
  • Rating: # of predecessors

• Jayda Lu & Ishaan Padmawar
  • Will prob start a grind circle at Prom
  • Rating: Money spent on Jayda’s cosplay

• Kate Rodgers & Zachary Fedele: 
  • What happens in the bathtub stays in the bathtub
  • Rating: Hours spent apart /10

• Emiliano Bobadilla & Nneka Ezeike
  • Jabari could dunk on Emiliano. Fact.
  • Rating: PG

• Ollie Velez & Maren Boyle
  • From one bird to another (Cacaw, roll eags)
  • Rating: | Football wins – Field Hockey wins | 

• Frank Hu & Becky Koleth
  • She say she a lesbian, for F she turn Fesbian
  • Rating: # of corsets in shared closet

•  Josie Sarno & Ashiq Kibria
  • The jokes write themselves
  • Rating: # of kisses Ashiq will give Josie

• Michael Huang & Maggie Mercado 
  • Cluster President and Monica Lewinsky
  • Rating: # of deep dives taken
• Jonathan Bu & Sean Pao
  • Both couldn’t get dates
  • Rating: Red zone on the gaydar

• Wylie Pottle & Ainsley Muldoon
  • The relationship Samuel Phillips imagined when he built these halls
  • Rating: Rumors produced/1000

• Piper Lasater & Bennett Rodgers
  • Is my best friend’s brother the one for me? 
  • Rating: Chances Ayush will join in/1 

• Louis Felix-Beaulieu & Caroline Romano
  • There’s no language barrier on the dance floor 😉
  • Rating: Feet tall/ 5

• Grayson Flynn & Anna Tsvetkov
  • She left her boy in house arrest for a real man 
  • Rating: Eyebrows divided by eyebrows

• Tristan Furlow & Wylie Roossien 
  • Athlete-student and just athlete
  • Rating: Tristan’s GPA
• Kele Gregory & Lilly McInerney
  • May this type of love attack me
  • Rating: Combined deadlift in lbs/1000

• Alyssa Schoonmaker & James Bae
  • She finally decided to put the Asian in Wasian
  • Rating: # of concealer bottles used