A recent study by the Mother’s Observation and Research Survey Enterprise (MORSE) shows that 94% of academic integrity violations occur within 72 hours of a mother’s phone call about grades. But have you ever wondered why this is the case?
Today we will be investigating why Andover students use AI. Before today, the growing consensus was to get good grades to get into a good college, but let’s be real, all of us except for 10 are probably not going to college. So, what’s the real issue, you ask? That’s easy: Mothers.
Through rigorous research by MORSE, we found that academic integrity violations decreased by 78% during mothers day, the only day when mothers are focused on themselves rather than their kids. Coincidentally, the quality of the History 300 paper decreased by the same percentage the same day, with typos, grammatical errors, and dark-web sources growing rapidly. One student was so absurdly horrendous at doing actual work after four years of AI writing every assignment that they didn’t realize their ‘interview’ that they had been analyzing was from the previous night’s SNL weekend update. The instructor, also restricted from using AI, realized how awful submissions were over the last year and recently requested an Abbot Grant that lists only “Ammonium Nitrate, 300 lbs.”
We interviewed a History instructor about how Mother’s Day impacted his students.
“I was looking at the Google Docs of the HSS300 papers and I found that the latest paragraphs were, pardon my French, complete dogshit. Right after a beautiful analysis on the impact of cheese in America, my student wrote something about ‘dih cheese’. I don’t even know what that is. Honestly, I would prefer grading AI writing than stuff like that. To the mothers out there: put more pressure on your kids, for my sake,” he said.
Additionally, we asked an anonymous Upper about this phenomenon, who confirmed our suspicions.
“My mom usually texts me every 2 hours asking if I studied for my upcoming essay. I’ve started using AI just to have something to show her by 9 PM. But on Mother’s Day, she literally forgot to remind me because “she was focused on having a good day.” How dare she?! I had to actually write the essay myself at 3 AM and I already know I got a 4. Stupid Mom!” he said.
All of this has come to this final statement: Mothers of Andover, let your kids get fours. It helps the GPA distribution <3.
