Dear Applicant,
We appreciate the time you invested in applying to be a student leader. We are sorry to let you know you were not selected to be one for next year.
Simply put, you were not good enough. We spoke with your current mentor, expecting a glowing recommendation, and what we found was that they were locked in Sykes, whispering your name repeatedly. Even your advisor warned us about you, saying you were the emergency that the emergency drill a few weeks ago was for.
But nothing compares to what you did to Dean Gardner. He caught you on your phone, and he tried to take it away, and you yelled, “No!” How dare you! How dare you suck the joy out of the only part of the job he loves? After that occurrence, there is no way we were going to let you have even the slightest bit of power. With enough underlings, you could start a riot against the Dean of Students, going cluster to cluster and trying to give us GAPs instead. To be honest, you would’ve lost in every cluster but Pine Knoll (sadly, they do not have fearless cluster reps to protect them) and WQN (there are too many of y’all there).
In our rejection emails, we usually say, “Please know that making a positive difference in the community does not require an official title or position; our community depends on all its members and their daily good actions.” However, we have never once seen you do something good on campus. Thus, I think it would be better for all of us if you just take an indefinite leave of absence.
Leaders are meant to be the relevant ones on campus; the people who uplift the rest! Yet you have failed in that regard. I strip you of your current housing status and must now live in the Rockwell basement, where the dorm will take turns feeding you like baby birds do.
Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get. Except in this case, as it was certain you were NOT going to get a leadership position. Save your time and do anything else, as long as it’s not on this campus. I would just like to point out that one of your answers to the application questions involved teaching your mentee how to “get with the freshmen.” Everyone knows we now call them the “fruzz.” You would be teaching your mentee outdated language, which is extremely irresponsible. Also, you are not getting the fruzz by asking, “Where’s my hug at?”
I resent the time and effort you wasted on the application process.
Sincerely,
The Dean of Students
