Hey guys, it’s me, Bartholomew Buttrest ’27, and I’m running to be your Senior Class Rep!
I ran for Co-President, Cluster Co-President, Cluster Rep, and even applied for the Student Wellness Council. After I submitted my SWC application, Dean Esty emailed me asking me if I was “okay.” I asked the same thing back to her.
Anyhow, I would do literally anything to get on the Student Council (I have one more slot open in my Common App ECs), yet I managed to get none. Even Pine Knoll rejected me! Thus, I am running to be your Senior Class Rep.
Proposal 1: Senior-Freshman Mentorship Program
Everyone knows that Seniors LOVE freshmen. As a rising Senior, we should be thinking about them every waking moment because they are the new generation that we can prime into grown men and women who truly exhibit our non-sibi culture. We get to instill our Knowledge and Goodness in these freshmen, ensuring they develop into people of culture.*
*This program is entirely voluntary. Mostly because I could not figure out how to make it mandatory. I asked Dean Esty. She just asked if I was “okay” again.
Proposal 2: Removal of EBI
Being an EBI Senior will be the seventh EC on my college app. Yet even I, Andover’s Greatest NARP of All Time, would be okay with removing it entirely. My second proposal is forming a union against the EBI faculty, where we all strike and protest, holding signs that say “THE E IN EBI IS A MANDELA EFFECT.” There is no way that E stands for empathy and not equity. If the strike is successful, I will list it on my Common App as “Director of Hyperlocal Human Capital Mobilization.” Things are looking up!
Proposal 3: Our Marriage
Don’t know how I’ll get the $50,000 worth of flowers, though…
Proposal 4: Den Birthday Gifts (consensual)
Though I can’t guarantee you a BKH lap dance, I can definitely make sure that someone will get a gift on their birthday (that someone being me). Instead of you guys only getting (fake) five dollar coupons to the den on your birthday, I plan to implement a system in which all of you pay me a (real) sum of 10 dollars so that I can book a private jet to Miami.**
**This payment does not include LIV bottle service and entry cost. Den prices will raise by 25% in order to accommodate for this.
With a budget of approximately $5, I am certain that all these ideas are practical, easy to implement, and I will deliver on EVERY SINGLE ONE, like all the class reps before me.
