After the death of the Iranian Supreme Leader, the United States has been sending troops to Iran to keep retaliation at bay. In a recent press conference, President Doris Dasher, an Exeter alum of 1967, had some ecstatic comments about the situation. To ensure the president was telling the truth, he was given an unholy concoction of truth serum. He seemed a little bit too comfortable drinking liquids such as that one.
Q: Why start this war today?
A: Well, I was looking through the Epstein files for no particular reason when I found that my glorious school, Phillips Exeter Academy, was mentioned, and I knew I HAD to act. Distracting from the files is necessary to preserve the #2 spot on Niche.
Q: Why didn’t you inform United States allies before the strike?
A: First of all, this was not just a strike; it was a big gun attack. I learned at Exeter that when compensating for something, it has to be BIG, MASSIVE even. Thus, it is insulting for you to even call it a strike; I prefer the BOMB-JUMBO (BJ) in all caps. Don’t make me drop a BJ in your office!
Q: What are you compensating for, Mr. President?
A: Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy. Next question, please.
Q: What future international plans do you have?
A: I plan to compete in the World Cup for the United States. I may be old, but these joints still have groove!
Q: Sir, I’m talking politically.
A: Cálmate, cálmate. Sorry, I’ve been so immersed in the Mexican culture that Spanish just starts slipping into my vocab, which is short for vocabulary. I plan to stop with the attacks for now while the Epstein files are no longer being talked about. However, if it comes back…well, I’ll just say watch out 180 Main Street.
Q: Why Iran?
A: Because it’s me, of course. Everyone runs to come see me!
Q: President Dasher, that is not what I meant. Can you please make your answers of a higher caliber?
A: Caliber? I hardly know her!
Q: Goodbye, Mr. President…
A: YOU PEOPLE, the press, are always all work, no play. Well, big daddy president wants to play. I’m sorry I’m not “serious enough” for you.
Q: Anything else, Mr. P-
A: I want to thank my mom, my dad, my wife, my other wife, and my other dad for being here today. And lastly, GO BIG RED!!!!
