Dear Metropolitan Detention Center,
Please forward this Message to Nicolas Maduro and the Diddler.
Greetings from Argentina, where all of history’s fallen heroes reside. We hope you are settling in nicely as cell mates and enjoying the fantastic amenities: non stop Love Sosa on the JBL, mystery meat, and endless baby oil (Specially requested). While this might seem harsh, Pete Hegseth actually requested you both be waterboarded in Guantanamo Bay. Sadly, Diddy developed a weird infatuation with this torture method, so we recruited him as our head torturer instead.
Former President Maduro, I hope your alarm clock in jail is nicer than Navy SEALs waiting outside for extraction. In your new home, the jacked guys waking you up don’t extract for a while.
Stay posted please. If either of you needs a hobby, we suggest heading over to Ghislaine Maxwell’s cell, studying some “game tape”, and asking how her Mossad agent father managed to create a monopoly on U.S. textbooks. Make sure to stay on her good side!
This is goodbye Nicolas. I hope that your cell CCTV footage doesn’t mysteriously cut out like mine did.
Sincerely,
J.E.
P.S. Diddy – I’m a huge fan!
