Total disclaimer: whoever took our super tough hockey picture and edited it, not cool. First of all, it doesn’t even make sense — I mean Piper is not Canadian (ew) nor is David Russian (ew), second of all, what is the deal with this heated rivalry stuff? Kids can’t just play hockey anymore? Why does the woke liberal media have to ruin everything? Now my ride the stick celly looks mad sus.
This show totally misconstrues the bond that we players have on the ice. There’s nothing better than cellying with the boys. We are always hitting the heartbreaker in the games to get the boys fired up, and sometimes we even do it before the games together. The showers are the best place to rehearse our cellies, including the salt shaker and the bull rider. There is nothing more masculine than my giant piss bombs (look it up). The boys with extra baggage carpet bombed the shower floor, which obviously we would never do IRL because, as previously mentioned, we are not Russian.
We also take extra precaution to maintain healthy relationships with our video staff, unlike our professional counterparts the Chicago Land Acknowledgements. We don’t need to go to Vegas.
And before you try to shame us for something else, the name Big Blue does not carry any baggage of any sort, except accuracy, unlike the BLACK – HOCKS (RIP Seth Jones).
How could the game of hockey become so distorted, even the joy of the post-practice trainer’s room has also been lost. Nothing feels better than the trainer stretching you out. When that tension in your hammie is suddenly released upon the sudden divine intervention, it almost makes me want to go to the dwelling and repent… all of my lustful wintergreen syns.
