Hello Andover!
It is I, Dr. Raynard Kington, here to deliver the first-ever Head of School pardon at Andover. Our beloved student, Bralter Bright, has been wronged by our community. He was selling Adderall to students on SAT day, a truly honorable endeavor, yet Dean Flyer apprehended him, and he was quickly dismissed. In his Community Standards meeting, Dean Flyer exclaimed, “HE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!” While reviewing the matter and the subsequent SAT scores, it is clear as day that Bralter was serving the community with a non-sibi spirit.
In moments like these, we must ask ourselves: What is integrity? Is it following the rules? Or is it inflating our median SAT score to levels so high that colleges weep tears of joy into their yield spreadsheets? When I saw the data, I knew: this was not a conduct violation. This was an Admissions Initiative.
Our testing profile skyrocketed. The College Counseling Office has not stopped smiling in three days. One counselor was overheard whispering, “We might actually beat Exeter this year,” before breaking down in grateful sobs. And yet, in the cold language of our Blue Book, Bralter’s actions were labeled “distribution of controlled substances.” I prefer a different phrase: “Unregulated academic performance optimization.”
After deep reflection, several closed-door meetings, and a quick consultation with our Niche 7th place ranking, I have reached a conclusion:
Bralter Bright is not a criminal. He is what ALL IN ANDOVER truly means.
Therefore, by the questionable wisdom vested in me by the Board of Trustees, the ghosts of Samuel Phillips and Thomas Cochran, and the College Counseling Office group chat, I hereby issue The First-Ever Head of School Pardon™!
Let me be clear: this pardon does not mean that Andover condones breaking the rules. It simply means that when the rules collide with a 1580 composite score, we must, as an institution, engage in “nuanced conversation.”
Following this event, it is time to extend our motto to better reflect today’s values. No longer is it just non sibi, rather it is now non sibi sed pro schola imagine, translating to “not for self but for the school profile.”
