After careful deliberation and complaints from Ivies that we are just “too qualified”, the Dean of Studies’ office is proud to announce the new qualifications for 6-level work. A 6 is given only to the best of the best, outstanding high honor work (done mostly over the table), and a demonstration of exceptional mastery. The requirements by department are as follows:
English—Your essays must evoke so much life that your teacher gets pregnant upon reading.
Chemistry—Don’t even answer 4 level questions, leave it with a sassy note that screams untapped genius, such as “stoichiometry again, seriously *eye roll*?”. Skip straight to six levels, and reject Lewis’s elementary dot structure, aka pseudoscience on par with RFK Jr. Instead, use quantum modeling to create a more accurate prediction of what happens when Carbon, Hydrogen and Nitrogen are combined. (A little bit of Blue Sky never hurt anybody)
History and Social Sciences—A 6 now requires a well-researched and cited (Chicago ;P) plan to turn the Middle East into a banana republic, while at the same time preventing the upcoming United States recession (without another world war).
Biology—Don’t be afraid to think outside the box, test shaky theories, and sometimes torture answers out of your classmates. Think Stanford-level experiments.
Requirements are more flexible, but an example would be memorizing the entire textbook so you can feel cool when your teacher retells the textbook word for word.
Math—The requirement is straightforward: convince the math department chair to advance your math level. Bribery is encouraged. Salary men vs. women (get creative, twist those numbers into the fourth dimension, but keep it under the glass ceiling)
Physics—Students will not be considered for a 6 until receiving an official Lockheed Martin Job Offer. The security of said 6 depends on which department they are selected for, defense or offense.
Philosophy & Religious Studies: Prepare for the rapture.
