Phillipian Satire: Year's Top Headlines

Students at Dr. Kington’s Lunches to Serve as Taste Testers to Check if His Food Has Been Poisoned
Tim Cook Acquires Eighth Page as the Nation ’s Leading News Source
U.S. Approves the Installation of nearly 2,000 “Dark Elixir Pumps” in Rural Alaska
Gelb Birds Finally Silenced: Student Leaves Cage Door Open on Purpose
Student wearing Bianca Censori’s 2025 Grammys outfit manages to get the firstever dress code violation
Freshman in Multivariable Drops Out for Leading Job at Lockheed Martin
Group of Seven Freshmen Boys Subdued and Detained in the Gelb Bathroom After Attempting to Build IEDs Out of Commons Chicken Pot Pie.
Police Discovered That Luigi Mangione, Alleged Killer of United CEO, Was After the Company ’s Shrooms to Give to his Brother Mario
Jehovah’ s Witnesses Appalled at Andover Co-President Sign-Up Sheet Behavior
Exeter Student Dragged 50 Feet Along Asphalt After Being Struck by Car; Deemed Most Attractive Person on Campus
Freshman Claims Wind Blew Him Away as He Walked to BIO100 Test

Phillipian Satire: Year’s Top Headlines