In the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, Eyre, who desires to have a romantic relationship with Mr. Rochester, thinks to herself, “I loved him very much – more than I could trust myself to say – more than words had the power to express.” Jane Eyre represents the universal struggle of romance: how can any word, any action, fully express the confusing, difficult feeling of love towards others? Is love ever possible to completely express? Though languages of love are starkly different across the globe, the most successful expressions of love boil down to one keyword: empathy.
The history of love traces back as long as the creation of the very first species of humans, or perhaps, any sentient species at all. The romance between the male species and female species has created generations of humans; a young whale learning swimming techniques from its parents testifies to the existence of parental love in whales; even insects are known to have a protective instinct for their families. Cavemen’s animalistic instinct to reproduce molded into genuine human connections over time. Empathy lies as a generational glue in the progression of love. The long existence of love has crafted a complex culture around its application in daily life as well. Humans, in particular, have pondered the concept, utility, and purpose of love throughout our history, from Plato’s Symposium, which analyzes the purpose of love from diverse perspectives, to social media content on ways to build a sustainable relationship with a partner. Love has been one of our best friends, but we are yet to completely understand it. Expression of love is particularly challenging, as unsuccessful delivery of love to our families and friends may result in sending a wrong message, or even worse, completely crumbling a relationship. Despite the incredibly difficult nature of sharing love, successful delivery is possible, and it reminds us that a simple gesture goes a long way.
In my home country, South Korea, negative stereotypes crafted by the media exist on dating before the legal age. Especially in more conservative regions in South Korea, people lack the freedom to love in ways that bring them fulfillment and expect niche standards in relationships. The ever-standing footprints of the patriarchal society hinder women from expecting gifts and respect from their husbands. Ever since learning more about Western standards in relationships, I have realized that the recipe for success in fulfilling relationships emphasizes understanding unique traits. Empathizing with others’ struggles and listening to their unique voices often allow people to feel loved and cared about.
The use of words, when conveyed thoughtfully, can simply and directly deliver one’s emotions. However, perhaps its directness complicates the choices of and meanings behind each dialogue. The failure of humanity to define love testifies to our lack of ability to express such a complex feeling towards others within the boundaries of language. The emotion of love can range from a simple sense of happiness when spending time with a loved one to uncontrollable anger when our loved ones are faced with injustice. Though the use of words is inherently challenging, two ways of verbal expression can deliver one’s love most effectively. First, directly and frankly expressing one’s emotions allows others to clarify one’s relationship with the other. This is the type of expression often glorified in the media. Rather than utilizing excessively flowery language, expressions as simple as “I am always happy to be with you,” “You make my day,” or the classic “I love you” can brighten your loved one’s days. Second, implicitly conveying pleasant feelings. Indirect verbal expressions, such as providing compliments and offering help, can be considered the “hardcore” mode of verbal expression. If done in a clumsy manner, implicit expression may merely cause confusion or even discomfort. An important factor in implicit expression is to truly understand the subtle preferences of the loved ones. Talking about their passions/areas of interest, complimenting their insecurities, and recognizing their efforts (such as wearing a new pair of sneakers or getting accepted to a program) can leave a pleasant impression on people you care about.
A delivery of love that can be more materialistic and leaves more room for creativity is taking positive action. These actions can be both materialistic (i.e. providing gifts) or merely a method of support (i.e. helping others with assignments). Materialistic delivery of love can be effective when done thoughtfully with consideration of others’ preferences as well. For instance, considering their needs and circumstances can enhance the positive feelings generated by a gift. Purchasing a new notebook at the beginning of a school year, buying a scribe for a writer, getting a new pair of sneakers for a runner: contrary to the common misconception, the best gifts are often not the most costly ones, but personalized ones that show the recipients that we care about them. The non-materialistic delivery of love (i.e. positive, supportive actions) can be more challenging at times because people with different personalities expect and appreciate such actions at varying points in their lives. Diverse cultures expect love in drastically varying forms – from respecting the elders in Asian cultures to understanding personal boundaries in Western cultures. For some, offering to carry their groceries can be deemed supportive and helpful, while for others, such action can be deemed disrespectful. Thus, supportive actions should be performed with empathy for our loved ones’ emotions and needs. Offering to talk to them when they are going through a major difficulty or lending a hand to someone who struggles to ask for help can result in a stronger, healthier bond.
Love brings value to human life. Perhaps the beauty of love lies not merely in the thrill but more in the struggles to fully express it. Many of us were unable to sleep the night before asking someone out, struggled to find the appropriate words to express our feelings, and were concerned whether our loved ones understood our emotions. Struggles show that you care, and that you genuinely love.
