Phillipian Satire: Ways to Make Baseball Fun

Typically, spring is associated with fun and good spirits, but for a large minority, springtime brings uneasiness. The root of this is baseball. America’s oldest sport has become America’s biggest flaw. A Stanford social experiment once used one’s ability to stay engaged during a baseball game to detect insanity. For all of you stressed about what to do next time you are invited to watch a baseball game, and have already used up all of your excuses, here is our thoughtful list of ways to keep your brain from entering boredom.

Dress as a college scout and shake your head every time someone hits. Remember the fear in the players’ eyes as they realize their grave mistake.
- Pro tip: Anytime a parent attempts to bribe you for their child’s recruitment, tell them to double it and add a couple of zeroes, easy money.
Bring your glove to the game to catch foul balls. When you do, cutely shrug and yell, “Not my name, quarterback!”
Mandate spider tack for all pitchers
Guess which parents belong to which player, wrong answers only
Log roll down the hill while yelling “Whee”
Play spike ball on the outfield; you should be safe from the ball there
Attempt to throw popcorn down the back of the shirt of the person in front of you
Start a fight with a parent at the game, pay attention to which kids are theirs, and yell, “No, don’t pass it to *insert their child’s number*”
Experimenting with the new Yankees torpedo bats