Susie’s Introduces New “Gold Cards” Good for Cutting Lines and Guaranteeing a Four-Year Stay in Your Dorm of Choice
Freshman in Multivariable Drops Out for Leading Job at Lockheed Martin
Diana Taurasi’s Retirement Shocks the League; many now unable to name three active WNBA players
Library Opens New Study Space Out of Unused Offices called “Partially Silent”. A haven for Students Who Want to Avoid Having to Fully Converse With Friends but Are Still Down to Occasionally Whisper Loudly
Drake Reportedly Very Interested in Andover after Finding Out there are No “Madres and Padres” Around
Attendance Rate Drastically Falls on the 26, Students Frightened of “Getting Slimed Out”
