They are calling it Asbestos, some mineral thing that apparently causes lung cancer or something, but we are not dumb. Something is fishy.
After the power outage last week, the basement of Sam Phil was flooded. Conspiracy theories were immediately circulated by disreputable sources like Infowars, The Daily Stormer, and The Exonian. The theorists likened the place to a CIA black site and even said it was “worse than Gitmo,” and then they began to talk about the Sam Phil basement. Intrigued by the rumors that this was the biggest basement-related conspiracy theory since Pizzagate, a brave team of Andover cave divers decided to explore the waste. All perished except one (the Sam Phil side door proved to be an early obstacle). This is what Bartholomew Smith ’28 found:
-Rebellious PASC members who threw Paresky Commons tartar sauce at paintings in the Addison
-The WMDs that George Bush ’64 was looking for
-286 copies of Industrial Society and its Future
-A nuclear bunker stocked solely with Paresky Commons food
