Dear Students,
This past Saturday, what was supposed to be a glorious Casino Night full of fun, silly, responsible gambling turned foul, and not just because the drinks served turned out to be cocktails all along.
Around 10:00 p.m., an egregious crime was committed at the event, (not counting the eight-dollar admission price), as a mysterious force struck a once plentiful stash of chips. As students filtered in and out of the main floor, the diligent faculty of the Math Department detected multiple incredibly tall suspicious figures wandering around the floor in suits, which actually turned out to be Boys Basketball. Thrown off the trail, these hyper-aware faculty members failed to notice the real plot occurring right below their noses, as a group of Juniors from Bartlet launched their scheme into action. With the help of disillusioned teaching fellows and Lowers assigned to Paresky Commons clean-up duty, tables filled with chips were flipped while buckets of silverware juice were dumped onto masses of addicted gamblers, causing cases of contact norovirus, while seasoning next Friday’s fried cod in the process. Although these villains were caught and kicked out of the Bartlet-Foxcroft gambling ring, around half of the chips were still left unaccounted for. Originally stumped by this mystery, investigators from the Arts and Leisure Section of The Phillipian originally suspected members of the Andover Business Club before coming across incriminating Susie’s camera footage, catching multiple Deans in the act of petty theft and funding the new smoothie machine.
