Phillipian Satire: Week's Top Headlines

Students But Norovirus Laced Tissues off eBay in Hopes of Another Four-Day Weekend.
Andover Special Investigation Unit Reveals the Truth Behind the Sykes Honey Packet Scheme.
Students Required to Do the Good Ol’ Handshake WIth the President After Budget Cuts Restrict Toilet Paper
Multiple JV Hockey Players Break Vegan Streak by Eating Ceremonial Pork Before Saturday’s Choate Game
Studies Predict ASM Attentiveness to Increase by 40 percent after TikTok Ban

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines