Phillipian Satire: Louisa and Jac Roast Theo and Charles

Theo

/The Phillipian

• Champion of men’s rights
• Treats Elite Prospect stats like a game of two truths and lie (hint, there are actually two lies)
  • From North Reading
  • 165 lbs
  • 5’10
• Doesn’t have LinkedIn – will probably never get a job
• Social butterfly (friends includ David, Oni, #27, @onifans)
• Acted like he won Gatorade Player of the Year when he got tagged on @ljoelpaathletics for JV hockey goal
• Drives a car referred to as “The Steel Coffin”
• Can crush a watermelon with his BBL
• Patient zero of the sassy man epidemic
• Tiny ears – needs custom airpods
• But come on now, “He’s a good kid”

Charles

/The Phillipian

• Has zero LinkedIn connections (also will never be getting a job
• Will be first in line at the Chopped Chin Meet and Greet
• Humiliation kink (No one else yells that much in commons)
• The center of gravity is in the knees
• Cosplays giraffes for local petting zoos
• Theater kid, like actual theater kid
• Dresses like he’s a peaky blinder (Thinks he’s Tommy Shelby)
• Food takes 30 minutes to reach his stomach
• Thinks he’s Shakespeare reincarnated
• Known for stalking the Sanctuary, slenderman style
• Always has his trench coat buttoned to the top
• Will check himself out on every single reflective surface

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