Congratulations on winning the lottery. The single toughest lottery to win, the lottery with unimaginably many applicants, the lottery on everything or nothing. Whether you knew it or not, you won the lottery the moment you were born. The lottery that is called life.
Every human is a culmination of prerequisites: the Earth had to acquire a perfect environment for life, specific ancestors had to survive, many people had to fall in love, many loves had to die out, and the one out of 300 million sperms had to reach the egg. Perhaps an uncomfortable shift around a chair is many people’s intuitive response to this miracle because there is no going back once this glaring reality strikes. Each time one fails to meet expectations, they hear the boos of the lives that never came to exist; they feel the bricks of privilege and miracle piling on shoulders; they taste the stinging pain of “Do I deserve any of this?” Even worse, society constructed a glorified statue of gratitude on every street and every corner of the world. When our shoulders are slumped and faces are grim, she tells us there is always someone worse off than us. She whispers, “Be thankful even when thunder strikes because some people have never felt a ray of sunshine.” She scolds us for being immature and inconsiderate because appreciation is somehow expected of us.
As an agnostic rebellious youth attending a Christian elementary school, “gratitude” sounded like one of many jargons adults invent to persuade children into submitting to their standard of a “good life.” When my pastor instructed thirty children to close their eyes and be grateful for having food on our table and a roof over our heads, I listened to kids squirming in their seats waiting for the bell to ring, and wondered, “How, why, and when should I be thankful?” After countless Bible classes, advice to remain grateful, and books on gratitude, I realized society’s perception of gratitude is not for me.
Here is my take: first of all, gratitude can coexist with complaints. Thanks to society’s mandate of gratitude and blanket criticism against anyone who is not “sufficiently” grateful, people come to cover themselves with a varnish of thankfulness. Even in Andover, students add phrases such as “I am so grateful, but…” and “not that I am not grateful, but…” to their complaints to fit into the skewed definition of gratitude. People are seen as immature and blind to the suffering of others when they voice out the unfairness or difficulties they face.
Contrary to this common misconception, gratitude is a discovery of personal growth amidst the ups and downs of life. Trevor Noah, an eminent South African political comedian, grew up in a society packed with racial segregation and domestic abuse. On the Jay Shetty podcast, he commented, “I am never grateful for suffering. I am not grateful for pain… what I work to be grateful for is [qualities like] resiliency… and our ability to adapt [that comes from the struggles].” Gratitude does not require turning a blind eye to our struggles; it is about acknowledging the unfairness and reflecting on how we established ourselves through such experiences.
Secondly, gratitude can be ephemeral. Gratitude is a cup of tea on some days, but shoving it down the throat on tough days can cause burns. There are rough mornings when the light blue sky seems all gray and gloomy, an uphill walk to classes feels as though climbing Mount Everest, and the conversation with friends sounds like a screeching scream. Those days, I enter my secret hiding spot, angrily voice out my anxiety, and kick a boulder with the tip of my sneakers. Sometimes, it is okay to let negative emotions — the guilt, the stress, the anxiety — befriend you because gratitude cannot be ever-lasting. Gratitude is an old familiar friend you lean onto after partying with the new best friends such as excitement, anxiety, or other emotions that overwhelm you with joy or sadness. Feeling present at the moment, thanking yourself and the people you care about for all your achievements and beauties. That short moment of gratitude can aid in comprehending your emotions and soothing yourself.
Third, you can be grateful for yourself. When the pastor told me to be “grateful,” my ten-year-old wondered, “To whom?” To my parents? To God? To those who are suffering instead of me? Though many of us owe our privilege and happiness to people who have come before us, thanking ourselves for the effort and dedication keeps us going. After a proud achievement or a disappointing miss, look into the mirror and thank yourself for your progress. For being courageous enough to raise your hand despite the risk, for spreading kindness to your friends, for simply waking up and taking care of yourself. We all need a pat on our backs for journeying through the mountain of life.
How are you today? Whether you are agitated, scared, excited, or fulfilled, take a brief moment to think about the staircases you climbed and the ladders others built to get you here. As Langston Hughes said in his poem “Mother to Son,”
“Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair…
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.”
I hope gratitude becomes your motivation to continue climbing the stairs of life.
