“My roommate’s girlfriend is always in the room, and they keep kicking me out! What should I do?”
Wow, that’s a doozy! I am sure my roommate can relate (wink, wink). Well, if I were you, the first thing I would do is let your voice be known. Communication is key, after all. Leave some notes around the room for them to find. Plaster the walls with Blue Book pages, a tripwire alarm there, an IED somewhere, let them know how you feel! Should they still persist, your next move is to figure out what they do in the room so you’re better equipped to stop them. After all, who knows what schemes they cook up in there? Are they playing UNO? Watching The Great British Baking Show? Sew a video camera into a teddy bear and give it to your roommate! Now, when he and his girl meet up, you can watch them without their knowledge! Once you figure out their dastardly plots, draw up a plan to beat them. If you’re stuck on what to do, look to the greats: Ulysses S. Grant, Julius Caesar, Vlad the Impaler, the whole lot of them. If all else fails, you will be forced to take the most drastic of measures: submitting an anonymous report through Ethicspoint. If it does indeed come to this, may God have mercy on your soul.
Best of luck,
Charles Vest ’25 & Theo Sfikas ’25
