In order to save the Academy some money, we, at the Eighth Page, have decided to take the 30-year planning into our own hands. Step aside, Rand Corporation. Here are our suggestions for securing Andover’s prestige for decades to come.
Get a little more cult-ish, but keep it lowkey
To rectify this, once a term, all faculty gather in The Kington Castle for required indoctrination. Resistance will be met with force. The blue capes aren’t required but they tend to make the function much more festive. All other information about the meeting is strictly confidential.
Furthermore, we have found that the best way to hide indoctrination is through using Generation Z slang so you seem #relatable. That way, the kids will be so impressed about how culturally relevant you are that they won’t question your support of authoritarian regimes. Class time can be bussin’, no cap! Do not forget to indulge in due research, don’t be sus!
Evaluate for obedience
Prior to employment, a psychological evaluation by the counselors of the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center must be conducted. We have found that Andover is best suited for those without strong-willed tendencies. Excluding Department Chairs, it is best that our teaching staff is adaptable and open to doing exactly what they are told without questioning. If a Dean says “Jump,” you ask “How high?” Teachers are to follow instructions to the letter. This is essential to remaining a cohesive and united community. Do not accept bribes or promises of freedom, the consequences are worse than termination. Besides, who likes a loudmouth?
Remember What Life is All About: Fertility
Every year of your employment, you will be required to have a medical exam as well as be tested for egg and sperm quality and quantity. We highly recommend planning pregnancies so that the due date is in the dead center of a term. These paternity and maternity leaves allow us to plant substitutes nominated by the Board of Trustees. They are permitted to teach a curriculum approved by the current highest donor to the Academy. Do not further inquire. For those who have children already, make sure they run amok about campus daily. Must remain leashed during Parents Weekend (subject to change).
Revitalize All-School Meeting for the Modern Age
Pews? Stationary guest-speakers? The obvious presence of satanic activity? Yuck. To best position All-School Meeting for today’s world, take a hint from the beautiful, massive churches of America’s Bible Belt. The Academy already preaches prosperity gospel (hasn’t it been Giving Tuesday three times this week?), so why not lean into it? The Eighth Page imagines an evangelical face-lift for ASM. We’re talking about flashing lights, smoke machines, frequent student-faculty exorcisms, Christian rock interludes and plenty of space for parking outside. Not only will our religious fundamentalism inspire unimaginable senses of confusion, fear and guilt in our impressionable students, faculty and speakers will get tremendously wealthy: imagine DEI, but for Middle America. Plus, speakers will be able to fly around the recently renovated event space in brand-new harnesses. Trust us, this one’s a winner.
