The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Reasons Deans Want to Know Why Three or More Kids are Off Campus

Jan 15, 2024

Reasons Deans want to know why three or more kids are off campus, adapted from a Dean’s notebook found in George Washington Hall.

Non-Weekender orgy prevention.
Does anyone really have that many friends?
Drug gangs usually have more than three people.
They might be saying mean things about us.
I can easily fend off two students, but three would get a little crazy.
“Mosh pits” seem awfully dangerous.
You might miss out on snowflake making at Susie’s.
I didn’t do those things as a child.
Isn’t there something more productive they could be doing (i.e. bingo night)?
Carbon emissions, probably.
Gambling alone is more fun.
You can’t have an eating competition without the Deans.