WARNING: What you are about to read is a real excerpt (yes, actually) from the “humor” section of Phillip Exeter Academy’s newspaper “The Exonian,” and may be disturbingly unfunny to some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
Note: Counseling will be available at Sykes Wellness Center for students particularly affected by this “comedy”
For the first time, reporters from “The Exonian” have gotten exclusive interviews with those who submitted these headlines to discover the story behind them. Out of respect for the wishes of the sources, “The Exonian” has opted to keep them anonymous.
ANON 1 (Author of “Local Squirrel Named Valedictorian at Phillips Exeter Academy, Credits Acorn-enomics Instructor”): “So I mean, I was sitting there trying to come up with ideas in economics class when, all of a sudden, I looked out the window and saw a squirrel and his acorn. I was like, erm, acorn? Economics? Aco? Eco? Acorn-omics? So bleeping silly, cuh! I immediately rang father to share my revelation, but alas, like my waifu after I started my meds, he had left me.”
ANON 2 (Author of “Breaking: Phillips Exeter Students Protest for Equal Representation of Muppet Characters in School Play”): “You know what? I stand by my statement. This woke-mind virus has ruined my people’s beloved institution. What other way can my message be passed on to the drabbling masses but through comedy? Can their simple, woke minds understand anything that isn’t handed to them in such a manner? When I heard some of my peers were protesting hate crimes like a bunch of sissy cucks, I knew I had to step and him and destroy them with FACTS and LOGIC because these beta femboys would love nothing more than to have Muppets in the school play, all in the name of “diversity”. Unfortunately, I do not know if their blue-haired brains can not process such an intellectual joke. These libtards wouldn’t understand dark humor if it hit them in their “pronouns”! LMFAO! Take that, Biden!”
ANON 3 (Author of “Bigfoot Spotted on Campus, Offered Full Scholarship to Join Class of 2028”)): “You know whatsth funny? Bigfoot! He isth like, big and hairy. Just like ush at Extedah! LOL! I immediatwy knew that such a goofy idea must go into the papah! The joke is that Bigfoot would be joining the clasth of 28, which is vewee funny because he is actuawee quite dooty! And smewee! It’s cawed sef depwicating humah, LOL! We can do that because we aw twue Sigmas! Twue Exetah students can wecognize aw fawts! Because some students aw smewee! And Hawee! A-”
Note: The rest of the interview was cut due to time restraints. The full transcript can be found on r/Exeter and clocks in at 4 hours, 23 minutes, and 46 seconds.
