The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Exeter College Counselor Group Chat

Mr. Man: Yo, do you guys think any of your kids are getting into college?

Mrs. There: Lmao, nah.

Mrs. Horsewoman: Yeah, definitely not.

Mr. Man: This kid literally wrote, “I want to change the world, one Rubik’s cube at a time.”

Mrs. There: What an absolute loser.

Mr. Man: Yeah, buddy has zero friends. He admitted to being a virgin in our first meeting.

Mrs. Horsewoman: Did you offer to change that?

Mr. Man: Of course.

Mrs. There: One of my kids’ top activities is “Robot breeding,” whatever that means.

Mr. Man: I’ve heard that one like seven times.

Mrs. Horsewoman: This school… No wonder they all want to study math. That way they don’t have to talk to anyone.

Mrs. There: It’s kinda sad. I expect a birth rate of 0.01% from the class of 2024. We’ve probably already graduated the last Exeter legacies.

Mrs. Horsewoman: I don’t think any of these people will find time to impregnate someone between “robotics breeding” and inventing a new type of math.

Mr. Man: OMG. One of them just texted me saying he wants to join a frat.

Mrs. There: I will personally haze him.

Mr Man: Right on, brother! Let’s all transfer to Andover and live happily ever after.