The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Congratulations to Garrett Holman ’24 on Making All-American (This Achievement Doesn’t Seem to Be Getting Very Much Attention…)

Breaking: Andover Affirmations at Heart of Culture Wars After Inflammatory Comments on “Most-Hated Team on Campus”

Free-Thinking Student Realizes Andover Is Insane Asylum After Watching Shutter Island (He Might Be On To Something)

PACS Officer Deemed Greater Threat to Drug Use Than DEA and ATF After Numerous Apprehensions Last Weekend

Student Complains About Consequences of Decision to Apply to College

8th Page to Take Fundraising Trip to Guyana

Math Teacher Decides To Take Week Off Teaching

8th Page Staff Reportedly Fails Only Three Days into the Challenge

Halloween Dance Said to be “Wack as Frick, Yo”

8th Page Becomes First Section To Hire Campus Disappointment as Staff Writer

8th Page Staff Writer Does Not Get That Above Joke Is About Him